From My Daughter

What a nice long Labor Day weekend this one was! I labored all weekend...I decided to do some purging of things in the girls play room, and just spent the days going through drawers and closets.. I found this note underneath one of my jewelry boxes. I remembered the morning I came home from bringing Kennedy to school and found this in my room..Rachel left for school later than the little girls, so she slipped it in there while I was gone. I knew it was something she had found on the internet and copied, but I loved that she had read it and wanted me to have it.She took the time to write it out for me..I read it quite a few times when I found it, both then and now. It was folded in half and on the outside it simply says MOM..




if you click on the image it will make it larger..



Thou O Lord wilt not withhold thy compassion from me;Thy lovingkindness and Thy truth will continually preserve me..psalm 40:11

lovingkindness ......a word that is not said very often , nor do we fully understand what it means to live it..but I am so glad that my Lord does.

While You're Gone,You're Not Forgotten

Five years ago my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary. My mother asked Rachel to write something special for that day. Every since Rach could talk she made up songs, usually they sounded like Disney show tunes. She just had a different way of looking at things.She was a wonderful poet. This is her poem, and these are her pictures. She took them when she had rode to Galveston for the day with my parents.
Happy Anniversay Memom and Mr. Paulien...

FIFTY YEARS

Fifty means never having to say you’re sorry...
But doing it anyway.
Fifty means always knowing just the right thing to say.
Fifty means sharing inside jokes and side-splitting laughter.
Fifty means loving forever and then, some after.
Fifty means knowing that you just don’t care
About the few extra pounds and few less hair.
Fifty means looking good in high-waisted pants and orthopedic shoes.
Fifty means the night’s entertainment is watching CNN news.
Fifty means together maintaining the back yard garden.
Fifty means while you’re gone, ..you’re not forgotten.
Fifty means sticking his stuff back on the store shelf.
Fifty means it’s easier just to be yourself.
Fifty means regular trips to Canton and antique malls.
Fifty means watching each other to make sure no one trips or falls.
Fifty means having grandkids who love you dearly.
Fifty means without each other, you couldn’t think clearly.
Fifty means a lot of things, but one thing rings true;
Fifty years doesn’t seem so long, because I’m spending them with you….

Love;
Rachel

The S Word

Before I opened my eyes this morning, I knew today was going to be hard. Its the last day of August.Tomorrow I have to start saying and writing the month I have been dreading. Of all things I have had to "get through"..September is trying to be the hardest. I've known all month it was coming..I might not be ready , but I know God is. Every morning before I get out of bed, I try to read my GriefShare message of the day. Even if the message doesn't help, the Bible verses always give me comfort. Today's message jolted me awake. It reaffirmed everything that had been "God-breathed" into my heart,soul,and mind. I am going to re post it just as I read it =

The God of Hope
Day 275

One of the consistent testimonies in Scripture is that faith can grow strong during the darkest times of adversity. It is during those darkest moments that you come to know personally that your Lord is the God of hope.

"One thing about being in grief is that your sorrow is certain, and your loss is so real you literally taste it to the depth of your being," says Dr. Joseph Stowell. "You have to have a certainty that is bigger than the certainty of your sorrow.

"That is why you must train yourself in biblical hope where you are absolutely convinced that God is and that He has a world to come for you and that on the other side everything will be okay. That certainty has to be bigger than the certainty of your sorrows."

Ideally, this biblical training should come before times of adversity, so you can be at least somewhat prepared to face it. But if you are not absolutely sure that God is everything He says He is, then tell Him your doubts and confusion. Study the Bible to learn more about Him. We suggest that you begin reading the book of John or Mark.

If you are sure that Christ Jesus is your only secure hope for life, and life after death, then praise His name, and seek to know Him more fully.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you" (1 Peter 1:3-4).

Jesus, I am certain to the depth of my being that You are the living God and that everything will be okay through You. Amen.

my favorite word ...OK
It was even in the prayer! On the day that I needed Him more than ever,God showed me in a very real way...It is gonna be ok. I am holding on to the God that has carried me this far .I don't know what September will hold for me, but I know WHO will be holding my hand.

My Heart is There

beautiful photo created by Tammy Silvestrini


Oh that everyone would be so blessed to have such loving friends to help them through their darkest of days. One special friend sent me this poem.There is a beautiful personal story that goes along with it.She was having her morning devotion time and it was part of it .She thought of this photo of Rach when she read the poem, and sent it to me. The other friend created this picture for me.Both ladies I have a bond with because we the walk the same path. One lady I see at church and correspond with through the computer. The lady that created the photo for me, I have never met in person,we only correspond through the computer.Even so, both have seen into my heart and more importantly have listened to what God has placed in their hearts to share with me..and now I must share it with you.

My heart is there!
Where, on the eternal hills, my loved one dwells
Among the lilies and asphodels;
Clad in the brightness of the Great White Throne,
Clad in the smile of Him who sits thereon,
The glory gilding all His wealth of hair
And making His immortal face more fair--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

My heart is there!
With Him who made all earthly life so sweet,
So fit to live, and yet to die so meet;
So mild, so grand, so gentle and so brave,
So ready to forgive, so strong to save.
His fair, pure Spirit makes the Heavens more fair,
And thither rises all my longing prayer--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

Thank you Theresa for the beautiful poem.

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for the kids. Kennedy was ready but KK ...well..she has never really "wanted" to go to school.She knows she has to go. This year my stepson is going to be going to school in our district. I was a little worried about how I would feel when I pulled up in front of the school to drop him off. Well God took care of that for me.It was so chaotic at the elementary and the middle school it had me in frenzy. It worked..I made it through the 1st day. Rachel was still part of the day. A photo of her is in part of the "back to school" photo, but the best part was this precious poem KK gave to me . She had drawn a picture of a hand with a heart in it. If you have read any part of this blog , you will understand ...


This special heart I give to you
Because you love me
And I love you.
The heart is you ,the hand is me,
It shows we are a family.

A piece of me I give to you,
This special heart because
I love you!
The heart is you ,the hand is me
It shows that we
are a family.

Sunsets I Won't Forget

Rachel-"whats your favorite color"?
Me-" the purplish pink color the sky turns when the sun is setting".
Rachel- "why"?
Me-" because only God can make it. Every time its a little different, but its always perfect".

I find myself being drawn to the sky.Sometimes it whispers to me..sometimes it screams for me to look at it..Every night that we were at the lake and we were on the water it was perfection..It was very different every night. There is something about being out on the water and being able to see the magnificence of the violet and pink as it becomes one with the sun.. Some nights I can just breath it in and smile.Some nights its as if I am looking into her face and my heart breaks once again..
How could someone look at that sky...and not know that there is a God..

psalm 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.
2 Day unto day utters speech,
And night unto night reveals knowledge.
3 There is no speech nor language
Where their voice is not heard.

14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer

Lil Quicksand

Today I started a new chapter in this journey. I attended my first seminary class. It is only myself and one other lady in it...The teacher is a our churches minister of education.The class came up in a quick conversation we were having, and I said "sure,I'd love to take it". We took a few minutes before class to tell about ourselves.When it was my turn I said jokingly" didn't you see the paper Sunday"??? No she hadn't...I had to hear myself say out loud my story..I struggle with the phrasing when asked how many kids I have..Then I heard myself say " As a matter of fact its 11 months today"...For a few seconds I couldn't breath. But then I started talking again and I knew that I was going to be ok. I also know what is next,the one year anniversay, and I struggle with what I am supposed to do .But just like everything else I will leave it in God's hands."For this I have Jesus".
I have so many things to share with you about our recent trip to the lake. I'll start with the drive. One of the very first times we made the trip we passed this sign.Rachel said" whenever I turn gangster that is what my street name will be....lil quicksand"... If you knew Rach,you know how she had "nerdy" tendencies so that statement was hilarious... Every drive she would look for that sign.If she was reading she would say "let me know when my name is up"...I had to stop and take a picture of it. Every time she would say it and throw her head back and laugh.. some days I have felt like I was in quicksand. The more I tried to get out of grief ,the more it overtook me..but on the day I took the photo , and today, I was able to move through it. There are days when you feel like you are stuck and you will be stuck there for the rest of your life.. just like when you are in real quicksand they tell you to be still and not fight it,.. I think the same thing can apply to grief. Be still and know....Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you think you have all the answers.. Be still because of what you know about God.I tried filling my life up with unimportant things to distract me..it really didn't work.It might work for a day or two, but the grief is still there, in the same place you left it.At first I just kept saying" I am sad..I get to be sad"..Jesus wept when he heard how his friend Lazarus had died.The Jews said "See how he loved him"....

See how I loved her....


“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a).

Front Page News

I am so glad to be home! We had a wonderful week at the lake.It was beyond hot, but we have our routine down so that we avoid the hottest part of the day. I found myself being way to distracted by what happened Friday before we left, and what was to come.Beth Rankin, the journalist who wrote the article about Rachels wreck, had came to the house for a 3rd interview for a piece she was doing on grief and using media...like this blog... to help.. Panic set in. What did I say ?????? Will anyone even care??? Sunday couldn't get here fast enough. My mom called Sunday morning and asked me what I thought of the article..I told her I hadn't seen it...They didn't have a paper at the lake..She told me I was on the front page...It took a few minutes to process..I thought it might would be on the front of the "Life and Leisure" section..but not the front page.. My mother thought it was wonderful.We cleaned up,packed up, and loaded up to head home. We have to take two cars to bring all our stuff, so KK and I headed home in our car. I stopped in the first town that I saw had a Beaumont Enterprise... I could hardly breath when I saw it.. There I was..sitting on my bed..looking at my computer..which was showing my blog..this blog..With tears in my eyes ,I brought my 2 papers to the register to check out,and then ran to the truck to read it.. I type my heart onto this screen and I let anyone who types the address in their computer come and read it..and hope that when they do, they see my beautiful Rachel, and they read my stories, and they take a look at their own life...the good and the bad, and they realize how quickly they could be right here too..and I pray that in their heart they know the same God that I write about .the one that has carried me through these darkest of days and nights, and has shown me time and again that He is in control....Thank you Beth for making that first call on Sept 17,2009. Thank you for telling our story with so much compassion.

For my out of town friends,and for those here that missed it, I will be adding an online version of the article.

A Prayer For You

One of the sweetest gifts that I received after the funeral was a beautiful coffee mug with a prayer written on it. A sweet lady from my church who walks her own journey of grief from losing a child, brought it to me.On the front of it it says" I said a prayer for you today",and then on the back is a poem. For many months I would get up and drink my coffee from that cup. From only that cup... Getting up out of the bed in the morning after a very long,sad, night...that mug reminded me that I was not alone. I also have a picture of a prayer from another sweet family that stays by my bed to remind me that people are lifting me up...many people..
We are going to take a few days off for much needed time together. I wanted to leave this poem on here because I don't know if I will be able to post for several days.
Thank you all for staying here with me, and for all the prayers...

I SAID A PRAYER FOR YOU TODAY
AND KNOW GOD MUST HAVE HEARD
I FELT THE ANSWER IN MY HEART
ALTHOUGH HE SPOKE NO WORD
I DIDN'T ASK FOR WEALTH OR FAME
I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T MINd
I ASKED HIM TO SEND TREASURE'S
OF A FAR MORE LASTING KIND
I ASKED THAT HE'D BE NEAR TO YOU
AT THE START OF EACH NEW DAY
TO GRANT YOU HEALTH AND BLESSINGS
AND FRIENDS TO SHARE THE WAY
I ASKED FOR HAPPINESS FOR YOU
IN ALL THINGS GREAT AND SMALL
BUT IT WAS FOR HIS LOVING CARE
I PRAYED THE MOST OF ALL...


(frank zamboni)

My God is Real

This morning during our worship service my GA girls got to share what they did at camp.We sang a few songs and showed a slide show of the week. One of my younger girls shared that she wanted to be a missionary. I also learned that one of my 6th graders that went with us was saved at camp.She goes to a different church than ours,so she wanted to talk to her family and preacher first. How awesome is that!!!
I had wrestled all morning about whether or not I should share about MY camp experience. I was back and forth on it. I thought maybe I should wait and just let it be about the girls.The morning was so hectic.Everything I tried to do was a disaster.My video did not work.I had to go back home,get the computer,try to re-burn it.When I came home the dog had dug in the garbage, had an accident in the floor.....everything to try to get me to NOT talk.. Well it didn't work. I got the video ..my girls showed up for me... and when I went into the sanctuary one of Rachs friends was there that I was not expecting to see. I also was not expecting to see the necklace this person was wearing.It had placed it on her headstone and it had been there for several weeks.And then it just was gone.I assumed it had been stolen(like everything else). I told them how glad I was to see them ,and that they had come on a great day because I had a great story to tell. I knew this sweet friend needed to hear it.I also told them I was glad to see who the owner of the necklace was. Now I knew what to do....Once again I was able to be quiet and let God to the talking. If people were only able to know the WHOLE story,the struggle ,daily, that I have.They see me on Sundays smiling and talking to the kids. Sundays are what gets me through the week.They see those few hours ,and never realize that my feelings are still so very raw. But at the same time, talking about the amazing things that have happened fill my gaping wounds. But it is temporary.The more I talk about it, the more I want to talk about it. I pray that God will continue to put these opportunities in front of me, or that He will show me what it is I should do.I just want people to know.I want them to know what He's doing for me,in a very REAL way. When I said today "Her daughters name was Rachel"... there was a huge reaction from the congregation.. They knew...

Say Rach to me

One of my sweet friends who has been helping me from day 1 to walk this path of grief,(she walks it herself)sent me this poem/letter she found in the book Saying Goodbye To Your Grief..it was written anonymously and Lewis and Betty Smoak edited it for their daughter. I have edited it for mine.....


The time of concern is over.
No longer am I asked how are we doing.
Too seldom is the name of our daughter mentioned to me.
A curtain descends. The moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.

There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends,
Sensitive and loving family, Rachel's closest pals.
For most, the drama is over.
The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.
But for me the play will never end.
The effects on me are timeless.
Say Rachel to me.

On the stage of my life she will always be a rising star!
Do not tiptoe around the most consuming event of my life.
Love does not die.
Her name is written on my life….
Say Rachel to me and say Rachel again, and again.

It hurts to bury her memory in silence—
And I will not…
So long as we are here, please
Say Rachel to us.

Live Love

Wow! What an amazing week at camp. 12 little girls from 7 to 12 years old for 5 days.I did ,however,have an amazing helper that went with me.Her daughter and my KK are best friends.She also knew how very special Rach was, so I knew I would be ok if I had a sad day. I was a little worried because the theme this year was LIVE LOVE. I was afraid it would all be about Rachs favorite verse...1 Cor/ 13:4....we sang a song that had it in the words ,but that wasnt all that was talked about. I also knew that the youth had gathered together there for Rach, but once I got to camp, I knew that it was all going to be ok..Wednesday morning I got up a little early to go get coffee before we had to get all the girls up.On my way out, I ran into the preacher.Bro. Carraway was the preacher last year too.He remembered my son having to go to the hospital,and we talked about that and how he was ok, and then I shared with him what happened in September. I tried to cover every part of what had happened,and as I spoke ,tears streamed down his face. I told him how good God had been to been to me and my family..I told him about the funeral.. I just needed him to know.. He told me that he was so glad that he saw me that morning because his sermon was on the woman at the well, and how her testimony brought others to Jesus.He told me that if it was time, that he would love for me to share my story.Immediately my head was filled with " ITS NOT TIME..ITS ONLY BEEN 10 MONTHS...I CAN'T TALK YET...THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW RACHEL"....I told him I would pray about it...and before I could close my mouth ,I could hear myself using my own words against me..."it says in the Bible to always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have"....way to go big mouth....Bro Carraway prayed with me and I went back to the cabin..I had been doing so good all week..no tears ...I of course had thought about her nonstop, so this caught me off guard.I told my other counselor..I told her I was going to pray about it,and that if I did decide to talk,would she please take my girls out because I didn't want them to have to sit through it.Well 4 hours later,I'm sitting in the tabernacle listening to the music.I begin to write down my thoughts "just in case".. It is so hard to edit the story.To me it is ALL is important... I told myself that I couldn't do it..I didn't have enough time...I have to practice ....and then I heard ..."YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHEN ITS TIME...YOU WRITE THAT BLOG AND YOU TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT...WHY CAN'T YOU TALK TO THESE PEOPLE... YOU GET TO DECIDE WHO HEARS????? I DON'T THINK SO.... and then very clearly I heard "PUT UP .... OR SHUT UP"....the preacher was almost at the end of his sermon.I still was not sure what I was going to do,and then I heard him say without even looking at me...." SISTER , IS IT TIME?" and just like at the funeral, before I knew it, I was on the stage... I can't tell you what all I said, but as I spoke I could see the tears from almost every person in there.but I didn't cry..I just stood there and let God's words flow.. I covered it all in about 5 minutes... I ended with what was said at the funeral. Bro Carraway picked up from there and pleaded again... They had an invitation and many girls walked the aisle.. I know that there were decisions made. Some just needed to pray , but at least 4 were saved. Many of the girls from my church came down to pray and just to stand with me.After church we went to lunch..Many girls came and told me how sorry they were.Some just gave me a hug.. I could feel the love and the sympathy, but I did not feel pity..That was what I was afraid of feeling..After lunch we were heading back to the cabin. Another counselor hollered for me.She said that her 12 year old daughter was one of the girls that was saved.She had been praying for her for a long time. She said that I was at that camp for her.. She thanked me for sharing my story..I hugged her and turned around to go, and she grabbed my arm and said MY DAUGHTERS NAME IS RACHEL...I seriously almost passed out.
If you have ever read anything on this blog and had a thought that=oh that was a coincidence, or I was was just twisting things to fit my needs.... you can't deny this one.. I have never felt the way I felt standing in that campground. I think it was the first part of my heart healing. God's timing is always perfect.ALWAYS....I hope you can learn to live that easier than I did...What a great week..What a great God. My girls were all smiles the whole week too.Seeing them sing and be free to worship with their whole heart was so touching. It was just what we all needed.
LIVE LOVE.....
LIVE

Hidden Treasure

I knew all week that today was coming.The 17th... It's been ten months today..Vacation Bible School was great,but all week I missed Rach so much.I had my two little girls on stage with me helping lead the music, and I had two of Rachs very good friends helping too. They were so sweet to my girls. It truly was a great week. We had 19 kids accept Christ. They just kept getting up and walking the aisle..It was so amazing to be a part of that.
Today I started getting ready to take 11 little girls to GA camp. We leave Monday morning, so I spent the morning packing. I opened a small zipper pouch on the outside of my bag and found the most wonderful gift....a pair of Rachels earrings.She had made these herself out of some guitar picks. I guess she left them in there after her trip to Illinois last September. I don't know what she used to put the hole in the pick..She went somewhere with the church and then came home and took these picks from her brother and made these earrings. I think she had gotten a necklace that was made out of a pick..I remember the whole "you don't even know how to play the guitar" conversation she had with her brother when she took his picks.I decided to not show them to Kennedy,yet.She had been having some really hard moments this past week.It's great to be around girls Rachels age, it fills that void that is left there, but then it makes you miss her so much more. I know that's where Kennedy was all week . Maybe when we get back from camp I will find a way to share them with her.I know the little girls don't count the months like all of us adults do.She just knows its been a very long time since she's seen Rach....Kennedy has a pair of red pick earrings already ...they say "pick Jesus"....so I know she will love to have these too. Pray for me as I go to camp. Last year my son went to the hospital while I was at camp with heart trouble. It is also the same place that all of the kids that were in the youth department with Rachel went to not long after her funeral.They are in the 4 month video that I posted on here...so all of it will definitely be on my mind while I am there..... always is...
This was my Promise from Gods Word today..
Gracious is the Lord,and righteous; our God is merciful.The Lord protects the simple ;when I was brought low,He saved me.Return ,O my soul, to your rest,for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you..Psalm 116:3-7

I dreamed a dream

Tonight will be the 3rd night of our vacation Bible school.I have been so busy getting the stage ready,and trying to learn all of the music and hand motions, but it has been so great to see the kids (and some of the adults) be so excited about being at church.I have really missed Rach so much ,she was always so much apart of VBS.My little girls have been on stage with me again this year singing,and doing the motions.I wish I could just go sit down and watch them.They put their whole heart into it.Especially KK who ,not very long ago, did not want anyone to even LOOK at her,much less watch her sing.I was thinking about Rach on the way home last nite.She was so happy the year she did the drama at VBS because she got to play Jesus.She loved the family she was doing drama with, and they let her know how very special she was to them too. I kept seeing this picture of her in my mind.As I turned to come home glaring through my windshield was this HUGE star.There were other tiny specs of stars all over ,but this was one was beautiful. It looked like the stars we draw.You could see the points on it.I had never seen a star do that.I've seen pictures of them where they look like that, but seeing it in my sky was breathtaking.I had to pull the car over so KK could get out of her car seat and see it. One of Rachs sweet friends had just shared this quote with me...“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” -Vincent van Gogh...I sat on the side of the road and dreamed..
if you click on the title it will take you to a song......

Sailin the High Seas

For the past 2 years our church has had a huge 4th of July carnival.The kids really have a great time. Last year we gave cross necklaces out in our goodie bags. If you look closely in some of my pictures on the blogs, you can see Rach wearing the one KK gave her.Once she put it on,she didn't take it off.I don't think there is a holiday that I cannot connect to her..so now the next hurdle is vacation bible school.I have been so busy this week getting things ready for it.I have to turn our sanctuary into a ship ....(like a pirate ship but no pirates) I have been leading the music for the past 4 years. Before, I would teach a class. When I started doing music,Rachel was in the youth dept. so she was able to be my helper.One year she left me to go do drama,but she had the best time. No matter where we were ,she was there with me ,helping me to get it all ready.I try to turn the sanctuary into whatever our theme is. Rachel was always there to help me.I could always count on her honesty for how things were looking.It's just one more of those bittersweet memories...I miss her,but at the same time,I am so glad we had all those moments together. She can show them in heaven how to turn a cardboard box into a rocket, a boat, or one year I even made a water slide coming out of the baptistery.It also was a spacial time for her spiritually ,too. Rachel went to youth camp when she was a junior,and made the decision to rededicate her life.She wanted to be sure that when she had made her first decision that she hadn't done that just because Robin had done it.. but she hadn't followed in believers baptism yet. VBS gave me the opportunity to really share with her some scriptures,and that is why you see photos of her not as a child , but as a teenager being baptized. And that is what has given me so much peace. Like I've said before, I know none of my children are perfect,but I do know who was in Rachels heart.And I know how willing she was to share WHO was in her heart with others. Kennedy is in place where she needs to talk about Rach a lot. She just wants to know everything she can.She has so many question..she misses her so much. we all do....I will be on a "High Seas Expedition " starting Sunday night. I've got so much to do for the decorations PLUS learn songs AND do some talking and a skit...but I am not going to let myself get too stressed about it. I know that God will show me how to get it all done.. He showed me this morning how to fix the stage so I can have a "help" poster that no one can see, to help me to not forget what I am supposed to say.......I'm hoping to live what Mark 6:51 says =Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed......

Robins' little sister

Robin and Morgan Ratcliff at the scholarship presentation


Rachels favorite photo with her brother

Today is Robin's(Rachs older brother) birthday.He turns 22.They were only 16 months apart.We lived in Houston when they were little, and they were inseparable.Rachel would just sit and watch him for hours when she was a baby.Then when she got a little older,everyone would ask if they were twins.They did everything together.Then it went from being twins to being asked" are you Robins little sister"?, which I think she secretly loved...One of my sweetest memories is seeing them in the baptistery water together.When Rachel was about 7 years old she made a profession of faith while listening to her brother being talked to about his decision to ask Jesus into his heart. I didn't take a picture of them.Honestly, I don't need one. I can see it like it was yesterday. It was one of those moments that go so deeply into your heart, you never forget it. It just seemed so perfect,them together ....always....This picture of them was Rachs favorite.She loved looking at it, it always made her smile. Robin and Rachel......I can't tell you how many times that was used in a sentence..Even tho he was older,she always took care of him.She would get up in the mornings when she was just 4 years old and tie his shoes before he went to kindergarten.He knew how to tie them..he just wouldn't do it..and I wouldn't do it to try to make him tie them....but she just knew he needed them tied. It was always that way...If Rachel was gone to stay at a grandparents house Robin would be lost until she came home..."when is Rach coming home"? When they got older they didn't have a lovey dovey kind of relationship, but their bond was unbreakable.... Last Sunday the church presented one of our nieces with a scholarship in Rachels name. Robin was there....for her....

Consider the Lilies

The girls and I went to town the other day shopping for a slip n slide.We went into Michaels because they have a clean bathroom..(always important with a little girl).In the front of the store they had a huge bin of flowers on sale. They had every color of Calla lily that you could want.Calla lilies were Rachels favorite flower.She LOVED them. You know how girls always have a new favorite thing? I can't remember Rach loving anything but Calla's. I used them in all her corsages that I made for her while she was in high school.I stll have them. I used them at graduation. (still have them)...While we were at Michaels, Kennedy was asking about Rachs love for them. She said we need to get some new ones for Rachs garden.She said we needed to get the yellow ones .(Yellow????I said)...yes she said,because that is what color Belle's dress is in Beauty and the Beast(Rachs favorite movie since she was 2).Rachel spent her entire life dreaming of being Belle. She wanted to buy everything she saw with Belle on it. She identified so much with that character,Rachel just never realized how beautiful SHE was ,not just to her family, but to so many others.Kennedy picked out her yellow Calla's and some pink daisy looking flowers, because pink is on some of the Belle things Rach has, too.I have to say....they looked perfect. That night I was on the computer looking up information about Calla lilies. The word Calla is from the greek language and it means BEAUTY..I had no idea. It all connects ...sometimes its overwhelming ..especially at 1:00 in the morning when no one else is around to share in your excitement.
Beautiful Calla lilies, for our Beautiful Rachel.
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."Luke 12:27

9 Months In His Hands

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
psalm73:26
Today is June 17th, and it's Thursday.9 months of grief. Back in October , I posted about the day of the wreck.I wrote that after Rachel left for work, a few minutes later I got up to go to a garage sale that was just down the road. There was such an urgency in my mind to go. Here's the rest of that story. The house that was having the garage sale was right off of Hwy 105. I had been to the house before ,several months earlier, for a garage sale on a Wednesday. Everyone knows that garage sale day is Wednesday, it always has been. This sale on September 17..was on a Thursday. My Mom is the queen of garage sales.She can spot one 2 miles away ,( even if she
has the seat reclined so she can take a nap on the way back from Canton).....she had to drive passed the sale to get to my house that day....she didn't see it. Mrs. Rachel and her daughter Melissa were at my house as soon as they heard about what happened.They too are frequent garage "sale-rs"....they also had to pass it to get to my house....they didn't see it.Sure they were distracted and not looking for one, but ...I will always wonder ..was there a garage sale???I thought about stopping and asking the people if they had a sale that day...then I decided it just didn't matter... Even so ,it is very hard for me to go to garage sales now. I loved going to them. I've tried to go 2 times since September...it's just too hard.. The feelings I had when I was rushing out to go to that sale..I could hear so loud the words " just go".."get up"..." go " .."go"....Was it the Holy Spirit? Was it an Angel? I grabbed my purse and I left... I don't think I had more than 3 dollars in my purse..GO...GET UP ... GO.. Some days when I get to the end of the road, I just sit there and look at the marks that are STILL in the road.Sometimes I think ...I not going to be able to keep living here......but in my heart I know that moving will not make my pain go away... this pain that has taught me so many things..things about myself, and others. I do look at things different now. I have a lot less
tolerance for people whining about their "bad day"....really???? let me tell you what a bad day is..I know that's wrong.. I know that life is hard for a lot of people for a lot of reasons... I try to look at a lot of things differently now...I look at people different.. In some areas of my life I do still have a fog, but in other areas I know I see things more clearly than others do.I'm still the same sinner saved by grace.. I just have the knowledge of knowing how quickly we can go from standing...to kneeling ....on the side of the road...
This is one of my favorite songs.When I feel myself falling, I sing this song..If you would rather listen to it than read it, you can click on the title of this blog and it will pull up the video
Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Letting Go

Well guess who is not as weak as they thought????????? Not only did I do ALL of the water slides at Schlitterbahn, I rode some very scary rides at Kemah on the boardwalk. I have to say our trip to Galveston was exactly what I needed. I have Kennedy to thank for a lot of it. When she grabbed my hand and said "cmon Mom lets go do that big one".... it just felt right. Looking down that huge slide and seeing straight down to the ground, I realized how much trust I had to put in the people that built this slide.People I don't even know.I had to trust that it was going to be ok...(fav word)...I had to let go of my grip, and start the journey down...it was fast, it was bumpy....it was scary .... but I did it... That sounds like a metaphor for something doesn't it?? It was physically the strongest I have felt in a long time. I walked tons of stairs. Walked all over Moody Gardens.Did lots of swimming..came home very tired , but in a good way.I also noticed that some awful weather was in the Dallas area right when we would have been there, had we went to Colorado...God's timing.....always perfect..."He hath made every thing beautiful in his time."..Of course I thought about Rachel nonstop,the little girls always have questions about her. I still related everything I did to her..I just feel like I made it over a huge hump. I know there will be others to come.....As I sit here and type my mind is on what the date is..
The photos are just a sample of what Kennedy made me do.

Rocky Mountain Low

Well, as if last week wasn't hard enough...I got punched in the gut even harder this week.Since September, Kenny and I have been wanting to take the kids to Colorado.The little girls talk about it all the time.The little bit of snow we got here made them want to see REAL snow. Dakota has been snowboarding several times,but we ,as a family, have not been.Rachel went with my mom and dad to New Mexico and had a blast.So we thought at Christmas it would happen....no go...so then we decided to go at the first part of summer.I found out there was snowtubing still going on on the weekends..I spent many hours online looking for a condo to rent..I wasted a lot of time. I knew in my heart , I didn't think I could go, but I was going to try it anyway.There are times when I am just going to Beaumont , and an 18wheeler comes too close that it really bothers me.If I come upon a wreck ,same thing..My sister and her family went to the very place we were supposed to go to a couple of years ago.She was showing me her videos and I realized.....I can't do it..I didn't say it out loud until Saturday morning.We were supposed to leave on Tuesday...Kenny mentioned that I sure was putting off doing a lot of things..I told him that it all felt too hard.. I told him I didn't think I could do it.Just to say it outloud was so hard ,and yet at the same time such a relief.He never tried to talk me into going.Never said I can't believe your doing this.....He just said "I know what you mean. Just tell me what you want to do, and I'll do it." I planned a great trip to Galveston in a matter of 15 minutes.The girls are thrilled. Its gonna be hot, but thats ok...I can be home real quick! Its hard to explain why exactly I couldn't go. I feel a different kind of panic inside. Its not an extreme panic attack type feeling. I am stuck in a place where some things are hard for me to remember , and some things are hard to forget. I was telling my sister how I felt. We talked about how much we think about Rach. For me its not so much images , or events.Its so hard for me to put it into words.. It's like my feelings for her are always there...almost like a vapor just hovering over me...Its not a burden ,or a heaviness...it is just how my life is now. If I were to draw a picture of myself , I would put butterflies and hearts dancing around my head.Its that kind of feeling. Always....it is always there. There have been days lately where I feel like she has been forgotten..I know that is not true. It is just where I am right now. I know this is another dark road that I must go down to get to where I need to be. After I spilled my guts to my sister, I told her that somewhere in there was another song.I wrote it later on that afternoon...The last verse I have to give credit to my niece Amber.I sent it to her and told her to feel free to add to it....boy did she..

Feels Like September

This place I'm in feels like September.
I'm struggling just to remember.
This darkness only clouds my mind.
And makes my memories hard to find.

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

I promise I will hold on to.
Every word of I love you.
My broken heart will surely mend.
When we are face to face again

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

One day I'll be where I've never been.
I won't have to look for truth again.
No fear or tears come when I see her.
Cause where she is theres no September.

Summers Here

School is officially over. All I could think about this whole year is summer.I don't know what I think will happen, I just know that in my mind my life seemed easier without having to do school. What I didn't think about was how graduation would affect me.It really all started on Friday night.We had a niece graduate Friday night,and then there was the big crawfish boil for her at my brother-n-laws house Saturday. Friday night I went to drop Kennedy off at a slumber party.Kenny had to work late so we missed the graduation ceremony,so I let Kennedy go to a sleep over.On the way home ,the sunset was breath taking. It was almost a perfect as the one the night of the funeral.I will never forget that sunset.This one was close. I headed to cemetery.One of Rachs school mates that graduated last year was tragically killed in a car wreck just a couple of weeks ago.He was buried in the same cemetery. I went to school with his beautiful mother.It was so overwhelming seeing his grave with all his flowers.Just remebering the start of this journey,I wept that night like I have not wept in a long time. I miss her so much. I stayed until the sky was no longer for me.The next day was the party.Just picking out a graduation card was a chore.I found the perfect one. I came home to get ready.Kenny went ahead to the party with the little girls and Dakota.I went to sign the card ,and reread it. Mistake.....I signed our names and realized , I wasn't going to make it. I found some really ugly sunglasses to wear..not that they would fool anyone. I headed out for the party..Every song on the radio made it worse..I didn't want people to look at me with that sad face...Its so hard to explain.I want to be there, I want to be a part of it..I just don't want to talk about it. People have no idea of the pain.I don't expect them to understand,and at the same time I don't want to explain it to them. I tried to call Kenny to tell him that I was struggling, and mainly to not make fun of me in my sunglasses..no answer.I turned down the street and saw my oldest son headed toward me in his truck.I rolled down the window and saw his face when he saw MY face...."what's wrong"?????? I told him it was just one of those days...he knew what I meant..He just put his head down...I tried to make conversation to not bring him down to where I was.He was going to the store and would be right back..I took a breath and went on...When I got out of my car , the walk down the driveway back to their patio was soooooo long.I finally saw Kenny..All I could do was shake my head. At this point , he knows. He always knows.I walked over to put the card on her table.All her pictures were out.....it was just flooding my mind and breaking my heart...I could see Rachels graduation...I remember all the excitement for her..all the hope.Rachel was so smart, and so beautiful.....I just wanted to go back..I told Kenny I couldn't stay....we went and walked up to the front and sat on the back of truck. I'm so thankful for such a compassionate husband, who will just sit and be with me in that moment.My son came back from the store and walked to me as fast as he could and just grabbed me.He said "its gonna be ok mom, its gonna be ok"..my favorite word....It did get ok...I just had to walk through that part of the journey. Those that knew me ,knew why I was sad.No words needed.Just lots of hugs.I made it through the day. When we got home that night about 9:30, I got online to post a photo of me on my facebook.I had a message from a friend I made through this blog.It said" Thinking of you today and praying for some kind of extra special blessing :)"..the time that is was posted in my messages,was the time I was really struggling at the party!!!! It was one of those moments that you just want to breathe in every second of.. I am so thankful for all of you that read this.I'm so thankful too for all your prayers. I know that losing Rachel is something I will never get over.But I know that with Gods help,I will get through it.I hope this summer to be able to do more post on this blog.It has just seemed hard to sit and type. The same with my guitar..The two things that were healing me have become cumbersome. I know it is temporary. I look forward to seeing how God will use them both. Be safe this summer, and check back often.
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."(eph 1 16-19)

Otitis

One of Rachels friends had to have her appendix taken out this past week. It made me think about last year with Rachel.Towards the end of April, she had to have her tonsils removed.That meant having to go to the Dr.,who sent us to the ENT(ear nose throat),then to the cardiologist to get clearance for the anesthesia,then back to the ENT, and then the procedure. I said "us" because I went with her,even tho she was considered an adult. I knew she was very nervous about being put to sleep. She got clearance for the surgery, and had it done.She did so good. She only took the really strong pain medicine 2 times,and after that she would only take regular Tylenol. She had a lot of issues with taking medicine. It was nice tho, to have her home for a few days and to be able to really "mother" her.I bought her favorite easy to eat snacks, and fixed her whatever she wanted. Once she felt better,I even took her to Target and pushed her around in a wheel chair just to have an outing.We watched our usual favorite shows, and made our usual jokes. While we were making all the rounds at the different doctors, I noticed the same poster was in every room, the one of the ear and the inner ear.I'm sure you've all seen it. I noticed on the poster it said Otitis Media(its a middle ear infection), I kept saying it...Otitis ...I told her after all this,she should name her kid that ..Otitis...it was our favorite thing to say for a looong time.She would tell me "I'm not having kids". She never said she didn't want them,she just said she wasn't having them.Sometimes when I think back on conversations,when I remember her saying things like that, it always makes me wonder...I know my post have been fewer.My thoughts about Rach have not been ,tho. Sometimes I sit to write,and I just don't know how to put it into words. So many other things have happened in the past weeks that make my grief wounds feel so raw again. There just seems to be so much tragedy. I can hardly watch the news anymore.Sometimes it just seems like too much. School will be out soon, and I am hoping to find some time to just "be still". I want time to slow down.I find myself worrying about summer going by too fast,and September being here too soon.

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends.

I heard this song on the radio.I hadn't heard it in ..well in over 8 months......now I hear these words in my mind..

The Eighth Month

Back in October in one of my post,I asked the question"how long will I count the weeks, when will it turn into months"? I don't remember exactly when it happened, just one day I realized I didn't know how many weeks..8 months today..Imagine going 8 days without speaking to your child, or seeing your child.Then try to imagine 8 weeks.Unless you've had too, you can't.You can't imagine 8 months, or the rest of your life. You have no idea how it feels .There are no words for me to use to get you to understand the feeling that I have when I look at her picture, when I hear a song, or when I see a young girl about her age with her mom in town...or when I am standing at her grave ...in silence..staring at her name.... When I go to visit I always squat down instead of just standing the whole time.For some reason it feels better to be closer to ground. I waited for the rain to stop this evening so I could go. I was staring at the new headstone. It is so beautiful to look at. It was very cloudy and overcast when I got there. As I was crouched down,I noticed how the trees made such a beautiful canopy with their branches. There was a small v shaped cut-out in the middle of it. As I stared at the angel and talked to God,I became aware of how the sun was now shining through the V.It was beaming down through the canopy, to me. It was just like out of a movie, or a painting. I looked over to the other side of the cemetery and there was no sun. It was like it was only there for me. It stayed as long as I was down, and then it just drifted away. I love those moments that I have with God, feeling his all encompassing love.It is in these quiet moments known only to me ,that I find my peace. I know some of you have doubts when you read my post.I pray that my words encourage you to search deeper into your own relationship with God to see how He reveals Himself to you. "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you"James 4:8 The words to this song that we (the praise band) played,are perfect for today:

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Mothers Day everyday

Well last Sunday was Mothers Day.I had been dreading that day since January. For the past several years I have given a Mothers Day breakfast at our church in honor of ALL the ladies in our church.The kids sing and say whats so special about their moms and I give a short devotion. Rachel was always right there with me ,helping me decorate , and even singing a song for the moms 2 years ago..She sang "I'll Stand By You.".It was one of our favorite songs. Last year she made the beautiful pom poms in the pictures for me to use as part of the decorations. After the banquet, I hung them in the nursery for Ms.Rachel and the babies to enjoy. A couple of months ago I had a dream about those pom poms. I could see Rach's hand holding one of them, and I could hear her say,"Mom, I'm right here ,Mom,....I'm right here..." Needless to say, those pom poms are now hanging in my room over my bed. I had my Mothers Day gift..I spent the week before Mothers day getting everything ready.The devotion,the food,the table covers...it was a good to have something to focus on. I found a lighthearted devotion ..A mothers day survival kit... Everything seemed to be so much easier this year..It was the least nervous I had ever been speaking in front of the ladies.I prayed and asked God to let them see HIM in what I was doing.I knew that my being able to speak to them about Mothers day would in itself be such a testimony .At first I felt like they were all just watching and waiting for the flood of emotions to come flowing out of me. It didn't happen.I managed to even work into the devotion how we can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth us.I told them the fact that I was standing there doing what I was doing was proof.There were some very moving moments. Some kids had written lovely things about their Moms.Kennedy had wrote on her paper that she loved me because I gave her siblings.. totally caught me off guard, but it was OK.. We had lunch with my parents at The Olive Garden, and then that afternoon and I went to Rachels garden and put some flowers in her vase and just spent a little time just..... being still.. and remembering how proud I am to be Rachels mom.

You Led Me

Sorry it took so long to get the video together.I have a cassette recording of the song in the video its called You Led ME.Rachel and her sweet friend Sonja sang it in March of 08, right before graduation.I wanted to use it, but I could not get it to work on my computer,so I used the original.I remember the day they sang it,tho.Rachel blew everyone away.She had sang before,in groups, or with me, but this time was different.This was her song.I listen to her sing it a lot. The quality of the tape is poor.I can hear her trying to catch her breath, her asthma was bad that day,but I think it is beautiful.Maybe one day I will figure it out and be able to share it with you.Oh and its NOT 6 minutes long.After it fades to black...its over.(I had some issues with my computer.)

It finally came

I've spent the last couple of days battling with the monument company.The headstone was ready for delivery this week.Without my permission they went and laid the foundation.They tried to set it up but the lady I ordered it from stopped them. I had requested to be there for any part of it.I wanted to say where it went.Rachel is very close to a tree, and then there are other graves to consider.Needless to say ,I was not very happy.There were also problems with the headstone.I was so disappointed.Until this point everything had been so great,so easy. I explained to them how patient I had been, and how very few request I had made.That foundation was mine.The headstone is mine.The place where is was put is MINE. That is all I have left.I wanted them to understand WHO this is for!!!! They got the message....Friday morning at about 10:20 it was delivered. It was misting rain on and off.My brother was there which meant I didn't have to worry about straightening anybody out. The lady I ordered it from came out with them too. Mr.John and Pancho brought me my angel. Mr.John reminded me of Morgan Freeman in Driving Mrs.Daisy.He moved very slow , but with a purpose. He's been doing this for 24 years. Pancho has only been helping a little while.They were both so accommodating.They were ready to make it right.Whatever I needed. The first thing I noticed was how sweet the air smelled. There was a huge ligustrum right by us in full bloom. The rain disappeared. It took awhile for them to set the base, and right away I noticed 2 black marks on it.The lady said it was marks for them to know where to set the angel and that they would wipe off .Then they set the angel.It is so beautiful.Every step they stopped and made sure it was ok. They checked and rechecked to make sure it was measured right.I asked him if those marks would wipe off. Mr.John said they were in the stone.I told him what the lady said and he just shook his head. We set the vase on and that took a while to get it all looking like I needed it to look. Right at the end Mr.John asked me if I wanted him to move the angel up to hide the black mark in the stone.He said he knew it was gonna bother me. We moved it. It is perfect.Pancho got a bucket and a brush and very gently began to wash the headstone .Nothing was rushed. He made sure every part was clean, and then took his hand and rinsed it all off. Robin,my son, came about that time. Mr.John asked me one last time if everything was ok. I told him it was fine, and that I guess those were the marks for the angel ....he just didn't know it. I think between my comments and Bruce's , they are still trying to figure us out.There is always time for a laugh, it's just the way we are. ..Before they left Pancho took his whisk broom and swept the marker next to Rachels off. He spent a lot of time on it. He never looked up to see if anyone was watching , he just did it. I wipe it off when I go too, but not the way he did. He has the right heart for this job. Well by now I'm sure you are wondering where the photos are???? That will be the next post.I wanted you to know the story when you see them. You have been here with me every step of the way, so I just wanted you to be able to feel this too. I worried that once I got the angel there, I wouldn't like it, or it wouldn't be big enough , or blah blah blah..... I love it. I don't think it could ever be big enough ..so this one is fine. People tell me they think the angel looks like Rachel. It does remind me of her too.I understand that people do not become angels , (but they can appear in different forms)but, the angel is holding a heart. That is the part that means the most to me. Rachel left part of her heart here, figuratively , and literally.Everyone that knew her and loved her has a part of her heart , and my hope is that her heart donations were able to be used. That is what it represents to me.The guarding of HER heart....the one that we carry.

Love In Bloom

(i hid the last names for privacy)


The sweet lady that plays the keyboard in our praise band lost her mother last week.The funeral was yesterday, and for them it was a beautiful sunny day.My day went horribly wrong.One of the puppies crawled out of their fence and fell in my goldfish pond.I got her out just in time.It took forever for her to stop shaking and warm up.It happened while I was dropping kids off at school so I don't know how long she had been in there. Then later in the afternoon, I went to go water my porch plants and check on my baby birds.The neighbors dog had destroyed the nest and the baby birds body was lying on the porch...I was so sick, and mad. Throw in lots of other ridiculousness, and needless to say I was ready for a NEW day..Last night as I was laying in the bed trying to sleep ,I was thinking about the nest in my plant from the funeral, which led me to think about the day I got them all.That was without a doubt one of my favorite days..the day the flowers came.I don't know if you know this but, they only bring the flowers that are on a stand to the cemetery.All of the arrangements in baskets and all the potted plants go to the home. When I say my house was full of flowers,I mean FULL. They just kept coming.I had to set up tables to have places to put them.My house smelled so good. There was just so much beauty .Those flowers helped to fill the emptiness that was so palpable in my home.I read every card,and smelled every flower ...and then did it again.I had several beautiful days.I told my husband that I wished there was some way to just keep it this way.There was just so much love represented in those flowers.As they would begin to fade,I would quickly remove them and rework what was left to try to keep it beautiful.As they would fade, part of me would too. I do have several house plants left. I lost a few of them in a freeze but I still have about 15 of them left.The part that gets me the most is that I didn't have enough sense to take pictures of them!!!!Can you believe it? I know I was exhausted ,and barely even functioning, but I can't believe I didn't take a million pictures of flowers.I don't know exactly when I woke up, but I am glad I did finally realize that a picture IS worth a thousand words.I can see all of the arrangements in my mind, but boy would I love to be able and just sit and look at them again.I do have a photo of one of my favorite arrangements.It was from some of my sisters sweet friends .The picture really doesn't show how BEAUTIFUL this arrangement was, but when I see, it I can remember it so clearly and I can remember the love.Thank you all so much for the love.

Held

I think about Rachels hands a lot. Her hands were very different from mine.I have really big knuckles, and well, basically "man hands". I also have double jointed thumbs. Rachel had what I call "smart girl" hands.They were much more feminine.She had really long fingers too.I was always fascinated with her hands (and her feet too, but that's another story).I can see her holding her phone.I see her holding her purse ,or her constantly playing with her hair..But I think the thing I think about the most is seeing Robin-(her brother),and Kennedy touching her hand the night of visitation. I can see it so clearly..Seeing them hold her hand is one of the most precious, tender moments that I have of that night. As all of the other moments play out in my mind, they usually come back to this. I know this is probably really hard to read and to understand. I don't think I can write it with as much beauty, hurt, tenderness, and love as when I saw it happen,but I know I will never forget it.


"This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved, and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held."

When You Know Where It Is

I realized as I approach the 7 month mark ,that I have never shared the song with you that I was given just days before Rachels wreck.My mother-n-law shared it with me Labor Day weekend. I loved the chorus.I played it for Rachel in the car on the way to pick up KK after school the next week.We even talked about who should sing it at church.This song is also one of the first things I heard in my head as I came upon the wreck ,and realized what had happened. The beginning of this video is a little slow,but stay with it, you don't want to miss the end..The funeral for my friend Jodie is today also..this song is so perfect for her too..I pray that I will do just as the song says and take comfort in what I know.

Fly

This week has been a really hard.One of my very dear friends from school passed away on Monday.She had been trying to overcome cancer for the past 7 years. I had known Jodie since Jr High.We were in band together.I got out of band in High school, but we remained friends.She went on vacation with us, we went to the beach together after graduation, and we even shared an apartment.We actually shared a room..You really learn a lot about someone when you live with them.We also were in each others weddings...Jodie was so fun to be around.She was a tall girl.She definitely had a strong presence in a room.She also had a sweetness about her that was very sincere.She really wanted you to be happy.She spent the last years of her life pushing for them to change the age of screening for colon cancer, hoping to help someone else avoid what she had to endure.They say that adversity builds character, but I think it also REVEALS it.Jodie has spent the past 7 years living .Living her life with dignity,grace, and compassion. I regret that I did not go to my 25 year reunion.It was in October,last year..I just couldn't.Jodie came in for it...I wish I could have seen my friend one last time.On my facebook page I posted the words to the Celin Dion song "Fly" just moments after I found out that Jodie had passed..I love the words to the song ..the line that says "take your gentle happiness far to beautiful for this"..it is for my friend Jodie, and for my beautiful Rachel.....

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light



This is part of Jodies story in her own words..her last days were spent taking experimental drugs to try to get rid of the tumors in her brain....take the time to read it ,and then reflect on the "little things" that have been making your life so hard.....

One thing I have learned as I have grown older is that everyone has a story about something that has impacted their life dramatically. This is mine. Five and a half years ago at the age of 37 I thought I was invincible. I was single, active and had a successful business career. I traveled, was involved in the local social scene, had great friends and a wonderful family connection. I had reached a place where I had learned a great deal about myself and felt a level of self confidence I had never felt before. I was in a great place in my life. Then everything changed in a moments notice. I was on a business trip in Arizona when getting ready for work I noticed I had passed a blood clot while going to the restroom before I headed out for the morning. I was startled because it was large and something I had never noticed before. I decided to go to a local medical clinic in town to discuss with a doctor. Upon our conversation, the doctor stated it could be a number of any issues such as stomach problems, ulcers, polyps, etc. His best advice was to go back home and schedule a colonoscopy. I took his advice, and upon arriving back home made the appointment. With my best friend in tow to drive me home after the procedure, I went to my appointment. I was nervous, due to the fact I had heard it wasn’t a pleasant procedure and really had associated it with a much older age group. The procedure took place, and was not anything I had imagined it to be. I undressed, put on my oh- so- fashionable hospital gown, had an IV inserted in my arm and drifted off to sleep. Simple as that. When I awoke, my friend was by my side in my curtained off room as we waited for the doctor who performed the procedure to arrive with information. She came around the curtain looking very serious and proceeded to show me various photographs of my colon, some revealing polyps she had removed, with one shocking photo in particular. It was a large tumor in my sigmoid colon which was revealed to be colon cancer. I was stunned, and really could not absorb the news. My friend took me home, poured me a glass of wine, and let me cry my heart out. How could this be?? I was only 37 years old, thought I was healthy and felt great. Had it not been for my friend, I don’t know how I would have managed. From that point on it was a dizzying time; having to tell my family, scheduling doctor’s appointments, and finally removing about a foot of my colon in a difficult but reasonably non invasive laser surgery. Thank goodness I had been referred to one of the top surgeons in my area for this type of procedure. Later, I was told that had I waited much longer, the tumor would have passed through the lining of my colon and spread all throughout my abdomen, resulting in a very dismal opportunity of survival. The news following my first of many surgeries was one I had hoped I would not face. I felt hopeful that removing the tumor would be the end of the nightmare. Instead it proved to only be the beginning. My surgeon called me about a week after the surgery and reluctantly told me that the cancer had metastasized and the cells were now in my system; there was no way to tell where they would land and what organs could be affected next. I remember being sick at my stomach as I held the phone in my hand and turned to tell my mother, who was staying with me during my recovery. We just sat down together and cried. The days following were filled with many types of emotions; anger, fear, frustration, pain and despair to name a few. It is now over five years, six major surgeries (to remover tumors that formed in my lungs), seven rounds of chemotherapy and lots of prayers later. I have been told again I have new nodules in my lungs and liver as well as cancerous activity in my bones and just stated radiation on a new found brain tumor. I have been able to fight and keep the cancer at bay, but have yet to beat it into remission as treatment options are becoming increasingly limited. My friends, family and co-workers have rallied around me and supported me every step of the way. I have married a man who loves me cancer and all, vowing to always be by my side no matter what. My oncologist, my doctors and nurses are the best and I feel lucky to have them helping me through my battle. My wish is to share my story, especially to a younger group, to raise awareness to get colonoscopies and cancer screening at a much earlier age so that a similar situation can be prevented. I pray daily that I can beat this and put it behind me; but no matter what I will never lose my appreciation for life and all of the blessings that have been given to me. My only regret is that it took something like this to show me the value of every day, and what truly is important in life. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, and stay positive even in the face of adversity. Please join me in my mission of awareness. The Face for Colon Cancer is a way for me to reach out and touch the 20-30-40 something age group and motivate them to learn more about colon cancer. It is preventable.

The Light

While we were at the lake during spring break,I wrote a couple more poems/songs. Sometimes I sit and try to write and just stare at the computer forever...and nothing happens.Then I will be in the car, or just be caught up in doing several things and somehow through all the noise I hear the words .Being at the lake was very hard.As I write that sentence I hear in my mind "DUH">>.Of course it was hard,its ALL hard.Anyway, I was sitting in the room late one night watching a Roseanne marathon, which made me miss Rach even more.We spent many hours together watching that show, many hours laughing together.I wrote these words very quickly.As I always say =keep in mind this is a rough draft. Maybe one day my "accompanist" can put some more of these to music like she did "Beautiful One"..I hope when you read these you understand some of what I am going through.Maybe you know someone else who is grieving and it helps you to understand what they are feeling.I try to be as honest as I can about where I am right now ,in this moment. This is my journal.I open it to you because I have never in my life felt the things I am feeling, and if my words help someone else to understand that it is OK , it is OK to be sad , it is OK to cry till you think your eyeballs will just pop out. Just keep holding on to your precious Savior.Just keep breathing, and taking one MINUTE at a time ,and if that is too much then do one second.Just keep feeling and keep praying.." He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Here I am once again
finding myself giving in
to all the pain I'm living in
since your not here with me.

Trying to find a way to breathe
when every day your all I see,
and everything I hoped to be
was what I saw in you.


Show me how to see the light
tell me it will be all right.
Take my hand and lead me
to where the dark cant find me...anymore.


I think about you all the time
your name is always on my mind,
and all the dreams you left behind
will live here in my heart.


I think that things would be all right
if I could only tell you bye
or say I love you one more time
and hold you in my arms.





Show me how to see the light
tell me it will be all right.
Take my hand and lead me
to where the dark cant find me...anymore.

Grief Puzzle

I haven't updated as much as I used to.I find it harder than it used to be to sit and put all my thoughts into sentences that will make sense to someone else.My mind goes nonstop day and night now.I used to sleep ALL night.It was like someone just turned the switch off=no dreams=no tossing=just sleep.Now I am awake most of the night.I lay in the dark and try to make myself go back to sleep,because I know how hard the next day will be.
Easter was very draining, as are all the holidays or special days.I didn't dye Easter eggs this year, we made those rice kripy treat eggs that they show on tv.I just didn't want to dye eggs.I remember every year doing them with the kids. Rachel always tried to do something very different to her eggs.And then fixing the baskets....Since my kids were very little,I have always made sure that everything was even, or the same amount, in their baskets.I even fixed the older kids something for Easter even though they thought they were too big.As I was putting jellybeans in plastic eggs this year, I lost it.It just seemed like everything I will ever do is going to be so hard.I've said so many times how EVERYTHING ,every single thing,reminds me of her.And then I had this one moment of clarity.At least I have a million memories. At least every holiday that comes around I can say "I remember "......instead of "I wish"...... I have memories of when Rach was little doing things, and then I have memories of her when she got older helping me do the same things with her little sisters.As hard as it seems now, I am so grateful for them and I know that one day it will be easier to think on them.After Easter I thought well now I can just coast because there aren't any more holidays...and then it hit me what was next...Mothers Day...that is what my life is now....trying to prepare myself for what I am going to have to deal with next.And yes I know that goes against what I had posted earlier "don't go there, God isn't there"...I'm human remember? I'm still trying to sort it all out.And some days I am failing miserably.I find myself thinking too much about the wrong things.Like maybe I should talk to the driver of the truck?Maybe I should talk to the man that was the first responder? Maybe if I could find out what happened????Why? Knowing that is not going to change what has happened..All it is going to do is torture my mind even more.There will be no peace in knowing any more details.I think it is just a part of the grief.I think it is just me trying to jam all these pieces of some very dark puzzles together,and the truth is there really isn't a way to make them fit.But I think I am ok with just letting them touch,or overlap enough so that I can see what I am supposed to see,and hopefully not see what I don't need to see.

I WILL RISE

Rachels name means LITTLE LAMB. Everywhere I go there are little lambs for sale for Easter.I am trying to do things a little different this year.Not that they will be done the same way next year, but for now I just need a change. I am trying also to see what God shows us this time of year in nature.We have 6 beautiful puppies, and a bird has made a nest in one of my flowers ,from the funeral, right outside the little girls window.What a gift each of these things are and what a beautiful reminder of what we have through The Lamb...new life ...new beginnings.Please take a few minutes and watch the video of I Will Rise. Click on the title and it will start.
I gave a quick testimony last Sunday about my Ebeneezer, my bracelet. I was so glad that I could open my mouth and share what was in my heart.I always stumble when I have to say her name out loud. I don't know why it is easier to say "my daughter" than it is to just say "Rachel".I miss Rachel..

Let every man and woman count himself immortal. Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection. Let him say not merely, "Christ is risen," but "I shall rise." ~Phillips Brooks