Carrying Her Heart

What if it's love

2012-02-14T09:18:00.010-06:00

It seems like its rained everyday here. It makes it impossible to go to Rachel's garden or to bring anything beautiful out there. I was feeling very down about it early this morning. I walked in the kitchen and saw the things on the table for the girls from their dad and just knew that there was an empty place. I got the girls ready for school and went to put Kk in the truck with all her valentines for school. When I opened her door this was sitting on the seat. She had made it at church and I guess it had gotten lost in the mix. I really don't know what happened, I just know this is what I saw when I opened the door.

I opened it and read it. Everyone has heard this verse (John 3 16)hundreds of times, but when I read it today, it was truly a gift.

Shall Not perish
Everlasting life

That is true love. And it is the best valentine .
(I know her hand writing makes it hard to read.They took the word Valentine and wove John 3 16 in it).

This week I had had one of Rachs friends on my mind. She was in the youth department at church with Rach and after graduation, she got to go to Hillsong college for a year. She sang many times in our church and always gave a testimony with her song. This song that she sang had been going through my head and it was one of the first things I thought of after reading KK's card.....

What if you're right? He was just another nice guy. What if You're right?

What if it's true? They say the cross will only make a fool of you. What if it's true?

What if He takes His place in history with all the prophets and the kings who taught us love and came in peace, but then the story ends?

What then?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

What if you dig way down deeper than your simple-minded friends? What if you dig?

What if you find a thousand more unanswered questions down inside?

That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic and begin poke the holes? What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told and re-told, and re-told?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

'Cuz you've been running as fast as you can. You've been looking for a place you land for so long.

But what if you're wrong?

What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

It is love .
The greatest of these
is love.

The Story of my life

2012-02-09T17:21:00.003-06:00

This past weekend I headed to Houston with the girls to spend some time with my sister and her family. She has twin boys that my girls love hanging out with. In her spare time , my sister also writes a blog(among other things) This is what her "about me" says..

As a designer, I specialize in room re-arrangement and putting together the little touches that tell the story of who you are. This blog tells the story of who I am.

As I look around my home , I see so many things that tell the story of who I am, or I guess I should say , who I have become. In every room I have something that has Rachels verse on it. ( you know, Love is...). There are hearts, calla lilies, butterflies, and crosses, and of course little treasures of Rachels that only I know what they are. They are a constant connection to me, not to keep me holding on to the loss, but to remember the life. The story of her life, and mine.
While I was visiting with my sister, she gave me these wonderful shells that look like angel wings. As soon as I got home I started trying to get creative with them. I thought I would use a page from an old book that I have to make a little somthin somethin . I have an old book that I love to use,it has poems and pictures .It is titled The Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady.I turned to September hoping to find something special . I started reading this poem and could only make it through the third line.

One morn I put my heart to sleep.
The story of my life.

I switched gears and went with just a black background in a shadow box . I love it!

As I was driving home from my sisters on Sunday late afternoon, I was given the gift of seeing an incredible sunset in my rear view mirror the entire way home. It also seemed like every song that came on the radio was just for me. There was a connection to Rachel in every one of them . They seemed to tell the story too. I'm so thankful for memories, they fuel me ...even if through the tears.

The story of my life is very plain to read
It starts the day you came
And ends the day you leave
The story of my life begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the story's still the truth

I love this song . I remember hearing it when Rachel was very little. The first time I heard it reminded me of my mom and dad. It was one of the songs I heard on the way home.

my sisters blog
http://www.curiousdetails.com/

Just Maybe

2012-01-29T13:25:00.005-06:00

This weekend I finally had the courage to go through the last box of
Rachel's " things". It was full of photos, cards(she kept them ALL), report cards, medals, it was such a mix of things. I had gone through all of it before, but I still always have the hope of finding a treasure. I was halfway through the box when I came upon these two pieces of paper folded and tucked in between some cards. I knew as soon as I glanced over that I had not seen it before.There was no date and no name only these printed words.

Just maybe.

Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe … when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe … it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe … the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe … the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe … you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe … there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate
them more.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swin with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you have ever had.

Maybe ..you should always try to put yourself in others shoes.If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person too.

Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is to simply leave them alone.

Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. do not expect love in return..just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it doesn't be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe...happiness waits for those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all of those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe...you should not go for looks, they can only decieve..don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smke to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe...you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Just maybe.....God will continue to place these special gifts where I can find them.

Hot Heart

2012-01-24T07:36:00.003-06:00

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a Hot Hearts convention with my girls and the youth at our church. It is a two day event with speakers, bands, and other entertainment. It was amazing. Hot Hearts was a huge influence on Rachel. She loved it and always came away from them charged up.The theme for the event was
Galatians 5:1
1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
It was to give us a foundation to stand firm on once we left .To be willing to stand at school,home, or wherever for Christ. I got that message, but for me personally God had another word. (Literally) It was the word FREE. It kept coming up for me in scriptures, in songs, just throughout the weekend it was as the scripture that they base the event on says

And they said to one another, "Were not our hearts burning within us while He was speaking to us on the road, while He was explaining the Scriptures to us?" -Luke 24:32,
That word was burning in my heart. I have freedom from a lot of things because of Jesus. I choose to not accept it, or claim it. There are so many verses that talk about freedom. How he has made us free, set us free, rescued us, delivered us, etc..
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free. (Psalm 118:5)
I am not talking about a freedom to do as I please, I am talking about how grief, guilt, worry, how we worship, other people, and many other things keep us in bondage. How quickly these things can distort our lives and our truth. God kept showing me in my life how I allowed these things to rob me of my joy. My hope is to continue to be willing to see the things that He is trying to reveal to me. There is a verse that many people like to say part of. If you back up and read the verse before it , it goes well with what I just said.

31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;

32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free..

IF...IF you continue in my word. You shall know the truth..and the truth shall set you free. I knew something great was going to happen there. Within the first 30 minutes I had two special Rachel moments. The first one was from ,of course ,the comedians there. They were doing funny imitations of people that might would be hosting the event. They did a bad Bill Cosby, someone else I don't even remember, and then the guy did Chewbacca...for about 2 minutes he made that sound. That is one if my favorite laughs with Rachel We were in my car and I attempted to a Chewbacca, and failed. She spent the next hour, and many days latter, trying to do it and perfect it. We laughed until we had major tears. I think about that time so often. The next nod was from the mentalist. He picked a random girl out of the crowd and put her in a imaginary scenario. She walked in a bookstore, opened a book, pretended to turn to a page and picked out one word. Then the guy pulls out a sealed envelope with her word on it. He unfolded a huge piece of paper that said in big bold letters
L O V E.
Of any word this teenage girl could have dreamed up..it was my word.
There was so much packed in to those 2 days. I should have videoed every part so I could share it all with you, and go back and see it again when I start to drift away. I am doing some serious searching and I hope you continue to follow me on my journey.

A picture of love

2012-01-17T07:00:00.001-06:00

My husband takes my girls shopping every Christmas. They really love picking out special presents for me. They are very different from year to year, so I am always surprised when I open them. This year I kinda hinted that Kirklands was one of my favorite stores. I'm so glad they listened. Kennedy picked out a pair of pictures for me. My husband said as soon as she saw them she wanted knew it was for me. When I peeled back the paper, the first thing I saw was the Calla Lilly and the word LOVE.

I could see Kennedy trying to read my face, so I was very careful in how I looked at her. She looked at her gift and then looked at me again with a different look on her face. " I didn't know it said that"..I read the rest of the phrase.---As if you've never been hurt----." I think its perfect, absolutely perfect",I told her. The other picture said " Laugh as if no one is watching". I hung them in my bedroom, right across from my bed so I see them first thing in the morning . I have reread that quote many times..Love as if you've never been hurt. There are so many ways that applies in my life. I'm just not sure how good I will be at trying to apply it. When your heart has been broken in two , its a very slow healing . I love how God uses my kids to put in my face what I am struggling with. In my Bible studies, the word love seems to be a constant lately too.

1 John 4:16-19 ESV So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

Maybe that is what 'perfect love "does..it loves like it has never been hurt.
Picture perfect Love.

My crib

2012-01-15T14:27:00.006-06:00

Having raised five children in our home, I couldn't wait to get out of the baby phase where Everything the baby needs seems to be in the living room. I just wanted to have my house back. And so finally the day came when I could explain to a four year old that this is now mommy's room. Your toys go in your room. And then a few years later, I watched that little girls heart break as she said goodbye to her sister. I watched a little girl who had always been clingy, need to be surrounded by others even more. Now you can walk into any given room in my house and find some of her toys.

My bed

My tub

Yes there are times when I sit on a Barbie and think...this needs to stop. Or as I slide into the tub only to have a littlest pet shop animal or a very hard dolphin pierce the tender part of my foot, I think it is time to get a grip. But then the reality of how quickly things can or will change enters my mind. Very soon that little girl will turn into a teeneager and my bathtub will only have old lady bath lotions on it. There is a verse in the Bible that says

“Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox.” --Prov. 14:4
In other words...if you want to have the ox you, have to be willing to put up with the poo.
So move over Yoshi and Barbi...I'm coming in!

What could Possibly happen

2012-01-05T13:35:00.008-06:00

When I posted the first day of this new year about all its "possibilities" , I really didn't have a clue what would happen next. How could I have possibly known that my water line under the bathroom sink would break...and flood part of my house. And then on Wednesday morning, I would break my toe. I was not prepared to deal with either one, but I managed to handle both of them. I fixed the water line, and taped up my toe. What caught me most off guard was what happened Wednesday night. As I hobbled in to the gym to teach my class at church, one of my sweet little boys came running up to me with his hand held out in a fist. He smiled at me and said" here Mrs. Suzette, I found this for you"..how could I have possibly known what would be placed in my hand....

A heart.....holding a heart...."carrying a heart". Yes John, you did find that for me.
A Godwink at church..it couldn't possibly get any better than that !

If I were a butterfly

2012-01-01T16:32:00.013-06:00

Well, hello 2012.
I went today, this first day of the year, to Rachel's garden. This year already holds so much possibility for me. I am hoping to be in a place where I can reach out more to others and not be so consumed with my own pain. I have been in a place that I refer to as a cocoon. I have been wrapped up in my thoughts and have been being still and waiting. I am hoping that this year is the time that I get to spread my wings. I went today and set out some new flowers and of course some butterflies. To me, butterflies are such a symbol of transformation. What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature goes through in such a short time. Imagine your whole life changing to the point that you are unrecognizable. That is the part that is so symbolic to me. The butterfly never questions what is changing in her life and in her body. If only we could be more like the butterfly as we go through transitions. Spending our time being angry and worrying is wasted time. The butterfly is an example of keeping the faith no matter how things are changing. We are all on our own journey with endless turns and shifts, and at the end we are changed. We are not at all the same person as when we first stepped out on our path. I know I have stumbled so much, and don't have the gracefulness of a butterfly, but I am thankful for the unmerited grace that I do have through my Jesus.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

“Lord I crawled across the barrenness to you with my empty cup uncertain in asking any small drop of refreshment. If only I had known you better I'd have come running with a bucket.” -Nancy Spiegelberg

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I'm dreaming of ....

2011-12-24T13:27:00.009-06:00

At 4:30 Thursday morning I had a very early Christmas present..I had a Rachel dream. I have had very few of them, so when I have one they are so intense.This one really wasn't so much of a story dream, it was just Rach. Her beautiful face kept coming in from the side of my view. The first thing I noticed was her huge smile. She would look at me and do that big smile with her eyes and her mouth. She also had really short hair. It was like one of those old school perms that all the moms used to wear. It felt so full of love and laughter. It was like she came just to tell me to smile..remember to smile....I'm here.. As I was out finishing my shopping I tried to do just that...smile..I made one last trip this morning..Christmas Eve morning, and bought some special heart things for the kids . While I was checking out I saw Rachel's face again. I remembered the dream and how she would throw her head back and laugh ..(maybe because of
her hair)..and I smiled. As I was walking out of the store a family had gathered by the Salvation Army can to sing..here are the words I heard as I stepped out the door...

I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS..IF ONLY IN MY DREAMS...

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you.... That's where I'll be waiting." ...(.me and the little girls watched Hook the other night..I remembered this line from the movie)
Merry Christmas sweet friends.

I wanna know what LOVE is

2011-12-21T14:46:00.009-06:00

I honestly don't remember a time when I had so many loving reminders of Rachel in such a short period of time. Like I said before, everywhere I go I see the same three words..LOVE NEVER FAILS..
Sometimes I wonder what it is I am missing about them. Is it the simple message or is it something bigger..something that I haven't learned. I wonder if it is simply Gods way of reminding me of the fact that He is in control, and He knows I will respond to those words. Maybe I truly haven't learned to live that kind of love..the kind that never fails. I just know that this Christmas I have become very aware of those three words. I gave presents with those words on them, and I recieved presents with those words on them also. I think the one that affected me the most was this beautiful handmade pen that my nieces boyfriend made. He gets olive wood from the holy city of Bethlehem and makes these incredibly beautiful pens.We opened them all at the same time, and when I saw mine it was as if I had never seen those words before. It took my breath away.

I felt the same as when I heard each of my children say "I love you" for the first time. You hear those words all your life ,but then when it comes from your baby for the first time it is as if you had never heard it that way ..or felt that kind of love. I pray that this Christmas , I continue to see and feel LOVE. And that I will be able to live that kind of love....one day.
These are the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 that are before Rachel's favorite verses..

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Simply Christmas

2011-12-14T06:04:00.006-06:00

This past Sunday night our childrens department presented their CHRISTmas program.I threw together a short set of songs for them to do. We only had six weeks to practice, so I decided to keep it simple. Our first song was done in blacklight with orange glow tape and white gloves...pretty far out huh? It was what I call an attention getter. Our theme for the night was KEEPING CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS. Their last song was a silhouette drama to Mary Did You Know. Every time..EVERY TIME they practiced it moved me. We had a simple set and a simple message ...Gods love came to earth at Christmas..He sent His son Jesus to bring life to you and me.

"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons"

My focus had been on this program so I knew when it was over reality would set in. .........I had to go shopping . I got up Monday morning ready to face it. Last year everywhere I went I saw things I knew Rachel would have loved..that was all I could see ..This years message to me was simple..just like our simple Christmas message ..

LOVE NEVER FAILS
I saw those words EVERYWHERE..In stores I never expected to see it in. It was so overwhelming that I got very little shopping done. In some stores I would smile and say a quiet thank you God..and then other times it would almost knock the breath out of me. Love Never Fails.
Love never fails. Love never fails. Love never fails.

L O V E N E V E R F A I L S

Three simple words

that I simply LOVE.

A bigger bang

2011-12-09T22:27:00.006-06:00

The closer I get to this Christmas, the more I realize how very different this one is feeling. The first Christmas we were all just trying to get through, clinging to every word of every poem, card, anything that would give us hope. The next Christmas I pulled those "special ornaments" and things out and rode the hope wave again. This year reality has set in. Remember when you were little and you would get sparklers to do on New Years Eve? Oh they were so beautiful..you would just stand there waiting to light another one, so proud of the circles of light you made. But then a couple of years later you realize that the light they give only last a short time.

You get to the point where you don't even want to mess with lighting one..you need something bigger. That is where I am. My sparkler has gone out and I'm looking in the bag for something
bigger. ..maybe just maybe.. I'm ready to try something with a bang!

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, and all i want i have.
You know it's still not what i need something beautiful.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
.... something beautiful

Carol of the Belles

2011-12-04T21:23:00.009-06:00

Decorating for Christmas this year did not seem as hard as it was before. The girls have to have some things a certain way. I am fine with that...I get it. Kennedy especially has to have things the way they have been since we lost Rachel. Belle has to be on top of the tree. This year Kennedy also wanted to do more of an all white tree. She said she wanted it to be "Rachels" tree.

It really is a pretty tree. As I sit and stare at it in the early mornings before the girls get up, I sit and think about the movie Beauty and the Beast that Belle is from. Rachel loved that movie from the first time she saw it.She wanted all her life to be Belle.I sat and tried to think of a movie that had captured me the way this one had Rach, and I couldn't find one to compare. Hundreds of times she watched that movie. I started thinking of parts of the movie, of how Rach was so similar to Belle. I pulled some quotes from it that I thought were the most fitting.

(singing] I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand .. To have someone understand ..I want so much more than they've got planned...

It's know no wonder that her name means beauty .. her looks have got no parallel . But behind that fair façade I'm afraid she's rather odd . Very different from the rest of us ..She's nothing like the rest of us .. Yes, different from the rest of us is Belle.

...'cause she really is a funny girl / a beauty but a funny girl / she really is a funny girl... that Belle

It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting *ideas*, and
*thinking*...

But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within

At-at least... I got to see you... one last time....

I let her go.
You what? How could you do that?!
I had to.
Yes, but.... why?
Because.... I love her.

Please. Please! Please don't leave me! [Sobs] I love you...

I fixed Rach a tree with Belle on top of it too...just like hers at home...only hers is her favorite color.

The main line from the movie that I keep hearing Belle say is
COME INTO THE LIGHT..

Then Jesus spoke out again, “I am the light of the world. The one who follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Come into the light....

B L O O M !

2011-11-28T17:44:00.002-06:00

Well I took off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and headed to Moody Gardens with the girls. I wasn't sure how that would work out, since I was responsible for cooking a huge meal the next day. I made the right decision.

That huge smile stayed on their face the whole day(except when it was time to leave).
They acted like we had never been before. It was an amazing day. The animals were in rare form too. It was so nice to just be able to see them be happy knowing that the next day would have a huge void as we sit down to eat. I had went to the store on Tuesday and bought my favorite flowers...stargazer lilies. I also added some yellow roses to the vase. I bought them early thinking they would open and be perfect for Thanksgiving day. They make the room smell so great too. Well Thursday rolled around and this is what they looked like....

No blooms....no sweet fragrance filling the room... I just stood there looking at them ..I tried adding some warm water thinking it would help them to open..I realized as I stood there staring at my buds that I just got schooled on Thanksgiving. I can't force a flower to bloom..God knows when the exact time is right for that flower to open. Me screaming BLOOM at it won't make it happen. There are other things in my life that I can't force to change , or force them to go on to the next stage..it is all about timing ..God's timing. When I am ready , things will change as they should, not as I force them too. For whatever reason, part of me still needs to stay tight in my own cocooned bulb, and when the time is right.. I can open again. God will do it in his own miraculous way..and in His time.
"But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hand."

Friday they began to bloom. They are even more beautiful than I remembered them being. God continues to show me how very much He is in control...and for that I am truly thankful.

Thanks for times of gladness

2011-11-22T06:24:00.010-06:00

I have been an unwilling participant in an experiment for the past week..my internet was not working. There is a difference in being at the lake and not having access to the internet..and being somewhere where it SHOULD be working, needing it to work, and not be able to use it. I dare you to turn yours off, hide the modem, and wait 7 days. No sneaking on at work either. No smart phones ...rid yourself of the facebook drama and you will be amazed at how ridiculous it is when you log back on. So many things have happened since my last post. Kennedy turned 12+1..I refuse to say 13. She was 13 on the 13th. It was a great weekend for her.
Last Wednesday night we had our church -wide Thanksgiving meal together. It was the first time since losing Rachel that my little girls came with me. I was so glad to see them not have that look of " I don't want to hear anything sad" on their face. Our preacher had printed out some gratitude scriptures and was walking around asking for volunteers to read them. He handed me one and I looked at it ..it said something about a fig tree.. I told him I would do it if I could pick my scripture. He fanned them all out in his hand and I picked one....

My friend Kelly saw my face and knew something was up...I showed her the scripture,and sat there practicing saying it, hearing myself say those words. The preacher called for us to line up to read them and I was number 4. As I read the scripture I was mindful of how many people in that room had just recently lost loved ones, and of those who had also lost a child. I was able to read the scripture and not shed a tear. My voice did crack a little when I read the very last part..O Lord,my God.. I felt as if I had climbed a mountain. Little did I know I was only halfway up. Sunday morning I finished what I started. I sang the special music, but I didn't do it alone. Rachels sweet friend Lauren that helps me on Wednesday nights sang with me. Our song was No Matter What. I had posted it on here a few weeks ago. I had asked to sing a couple of Sundays ago, but we had to wait ...now I know why. God's timing..always perfect. I was so excited to sing this song and to sing with Lauren....and Lauren knew what it meant to me too. She had grown up in our church with Rach, and she and Rach had sang together many times.

It felt good to sing again. I had my verse with me as I went to the podium,and reminded the congregation of it. After we sang the preacher asked if everyone there could say that they had that kind of love...no matter what..I'm gonna love you. What a great start to our Thanksgiving week. I am not saying I am ready ...I am just ready to try.

Heaven help us

2011-11-09T06:26:00.005-06:00

As my little Kk was climbing out of the tub, she looked at me with that pleading sweet face and asked. " what does heaven really look like"? I always know when her heart is heavy. I tried to force a smile and she explained" I know about Hollywood heaven, and how it looks on Tom and Jerry....I think its alot of clouds...clouds everywhere"..how do you explain something that you don't yourself understand? I tried to give her a few sentences to help her but in my heart I knew it was about something else. After she dressed without looking at me she said" ummm...say a little girl went to heaven but her mom and dad didn't...where would she be.." I asked her if she meant a little girl like Rachel? Imagine having this sweet angel face flooded with tears of sorrow.

She is so worried about her sister being alone in heaven, because we, her family, are here! What love she has..I explained to her how much God loves Rach and how many family and friends were there too. And then we just sat on the couch with her face buried in my neck..and bawled our eyes out. Evidently two years don't mean diddly squat in grief. Books give wrong information. There is not a timeline on grief. It is a circle....it has no end. Whether you are 8 or 78 it never stops. Maybe this post is for you or maybe it is for you to better understand someone else's grief. There are some days when my thoughts on heaven are almost paralyzing because they are so intense..and then there are days when I can just smile and know that one day...I will know for sure..

Matthew 18:10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

THEIR ANGELS ALWAYS see the face of God.
It is amazing how just a few words can bring such comfort. I pray that as the holidays get closer that my girls will find only love in their sweet memories of Rach.

32 forever !

2011-11-03T08:15:00.006-05:00

I'm sure you're wondering where I have been? My weekend was full of of spending time with family that I haven't got to really visit with in a long time. My niece came in from Cape Cod with her precious family and we had a get-together Sunday. Watching my three nieces ,who are now beautiful women, interact with each other and watching how they loved each others children was at times overwhelming. My niece Amber started the conversation about age. How she couldn't believe how old she was and how I had seemed to be 32 FOREVER !!! In my mind I am still 32..lol.. I am ok with getting older. Growing old is ok...its the growing away that rips me apart. Wanting so desperately to remember more, to be able to see more vividly the memories of those sweet little girls playing , singing ,growing up with my sweet little girl. It is the drifting away from that time that is so painful. I made it through the weekend knowing what was ahead. We trunk and treated with my nieces children and my brother and his very sweet "lady friend" (as Rach would call her). I took my girls trick or treating on Halloween and then Tuesday 11-1-11 rolled in. I tried to stay as busy as I could knowing that I would be taking them to get their new boots after school. I was touched by all the birthday wishes from Rachels friends and from my friends. I had a wonderful time with my girls. We ate out and boots were found!

KK was hoping to get some more boots like the last ones that were made by the company Rachel...we couldn't find any.We did find these with hearts on the straps !! Yes Kennedys boots are very tall...If you spend five minutes with this girl , she just loves boots...she is modest, and carries herself like a 13 yr old should.. in other words...don't be hatin..lol

For me this year was extra special because I also was given a gift for Rachels birthday from my mother.

Amazing isn't it? The photo does not do it justice. It is a rather large painting, and the detail is so great that you can just caught up in looking at it. Rachels name means lamb. I love everything about this painting, how the girl is Carrying the lamb...its just perfect.
"Ah then to His embrace repair
my soul, thou art no stranger there;
There love divine shall be thy guard
And peace and safety thy reward."

There was so much to take in this weekend. So many God winks, so many special moments for me. Some people say that seeing is believing..I say believing is seeing. I don't just look to heaven and hope for a better day, I look up to heaven because I know God is there..in every sunset..in every twinkling star.

"but the most amazing thing to me about who you are,
is you are here, and you are strong.
You are mighty to save us from all of the wrong.
From the first sunrise , to the day the sun falls...
you hold us together cause you're mighty to love."

Giving sorrow words

2011-10-28T07:54:00.005-05:00

I had hoped this week would last longer. Next week is creeping closer and closer. Halloween was one of Rachel's favorite things. Then the next day, is her birthday. I will take her sisters to get their new boots as we have done the passed two years. It is just such an empty feeling already. I have a niece that will be in with her family this weekend too, so there will be a big get together with a Thanksgiving type menu....another of Rachel's favorites. I know this time of year is harder because it holds so many memories ,so many wonderful memories . I know that talking about it helps too. Many times I will be talking about Rach and missing her and the conversation will turn to a story about her and we always end up laughing. Shakespeare even said to talk about your grief,,,
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
Talk about what's in your heart. It does seem hard at first, or maybe uncomfortable is a better word, but the more you do it the easier it gets. It is what is in this heart that I am struggling with.

I keep saying the words of 1 John 4 : 18..THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. ...My go to verse for the days ahead. feel free to steal it and use it too.

He lifted me

2011-10-24T08:21:00.006-05:00

I have mentioned before that the main reason I have a facebook is so because I was friends with Rachel so that allows me to go to her profile and look at her photos and read things that her sweet friends go and post. Lately it has become harder than usual. It is really difficult for me to get passed the fact that the people at facebook could just make her disappear.

I have spent way too much time trying to hack into her account to be able to change it, and read her private messages. I know that is wrong, but like I've said before ...walk the journey before you judge. I have also noticed how more time goes on between post on her wall. For most people , they have moved on or maybe it is too hard for them to stay I don't know for sure, I just know that I love to go to her page and find a sweet message of "missing you"..or a dream or anything..sometimes just a heart. But the other day I clicked on her page and found this post from one of her friends.

****Hey Rachel, I've been thinking of you a lot lately. It seems like the closer I get to my wedding, the more I think of you. I know that we weren't very close friends, but I can remember sitting by you in English and hearing your laugh like it was yesterday. My fiancé's mom and I have been discussing flowers a lot lately, and I can't help but think what your grandmaw said at your funeral about you telling her that you want her to do your flowers at your wedding. It makes me tear up every time I remember that. In a way I feel guilty that all of us get to go on with our lives, get married, and start families of our own while you were taken away so young. However, I know that God's plan hasn't finished with us yet. I can't wait until we're all together again!****

and then another sweet friend made a tribute page for her that said

Vhs Memorial Page
Rachel Ann Clark Class of 2008
November 1, 1989 - September 17, 2009

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

... This is my beautiful daughter.

------------------"I carry your heart.I carry it in my heart."-----------------

I started a blog that talks about Rachel and grief.
mbc4kids.blogspot.com

Suzette R. C/O 84

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was my best friend. She will always be remembered. ♥
Everyone was touched by Rachel , Even those who didnt know her.
She lived for the Lord and She Loved her family more than anything..
She holds a special place in all of hearts. and I personally cannot wait to see her again.
♥ Haley P. C/O 08'

God Bless you Haley P., and to my dear friend Suzette R. I think of you often and I am continually impressed by your strength. You have always meant the world to all of us that know you.

God makes all of his Angels beautiful, he did not have to change one thing about Rachel

Richard T M.(site moderator)
and so many sweet comments followed.

Just when I was sinking, God reached down and lifted me ..

From sinking sand He lifted me,
With tender hand He lifted me;
From shades of night to plains of light,
Oh, praise His Name, He lifted me!

Tragic

2011-10-19T23:13:00.002-05:00

I have wrestled since Sunday morning with writing a new post. Homecoming, parades, even a volleyball tournament all have faded to the background. On Sunday morning after church an 18 year old senior from our school lost his life. For reasons that we may never know, he was laying in the railroad tracks. The train blew the whistle and tried to avoid.....I didn't know Matt. I just know about him. He played varsity football and everyone loved him. He had only lived in our town for a couple of years. I don't know why his death has had such an effect on me. I guess because so much of what has been said about him mirrors things that were said about Rachel. He made people laugh, he helped them with problems, he was the one everyone looked too...I went to his Facebook to read what his friends and family said. I did read several that said they wished they had told him how much he meant to them. That's the part that has kept me in my "cocoon" as my friend calls it. What else has to happen before we really decide to open our hearts and our mouths and let the people that are "so special" to us know now how we feel. We just assume that everyone knows. I don't know what happened to this young man that he felt this was his only option, or if it truly was just an accident. I don't think we will ever know. I just want to know that out of all these hundreds of kids, teachers, coaches, etc..that lives have been changed. This morning the first thought I had was that his mom has to go and tell him goodbye. It is a feeling that you cannot explain. It is comforting to see so many come and be with you, but inside..inside ..its just one long scream. I saw a photo that was taken at the cemetery from this young mans burial. They had brought the inflatable pirate skull that they walk through before the games and his teammates and his coach carried him through for the last time. As a courtesy to his family, I chose not to share the picture.
How quickly your life can change. How quickly a life can end. I know this is not the type of post I usually make. I still know God is in control. I am just like everyone else ...trying to sort things out. So tonight as I sit and type in the darkness, I hope that you can understand . And I hope that it does not take a tragedy to make you see the people in your life as special and you make sure that they know how you feel. Because I know how hard it is to say goodbye knowing that my daughter knew how very special she is too me..
"and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you"
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

Homecoming warrior princess

2011-10-13T21:59:00.003-05:00

Well, my son is home from the hospital. I think it would have been quicker to do exploratory surgery. They ruled out a lot of things with a lot of test, but we are still waiting on the results of a biopsy. I'm just glad he is better.
Tomorrow is homecoming for our schools. Kennedy will be riding in the parade for placing in the pageant. When I called to register her for the line up, the lady on the phone said that my name sounded familiar and she asked me if I my daughter had been in the parade last year. I told her my older daughter had been in the parade, but that was several years ago. As she was telling me what a great memory she had, I began to think about that day when Rach was in the parade. As my mind was flooded with images tears flooded my face. I don't remember what the question was that the lady asked me but I remember her saying " mam....mam" I apologized and then told her why I was crying..."oh my gosh ..that's why I know your name"!!!! She was so kind on the phone. I didn't ask her how she knew, I just wanted off the phone. It seems like the more beautiful the memory, the more it hurts. Rachel had her dream dress on, and rode in her dream car...a Corvette. I still have that dress. Kennedy says she will wear it when she gets in high school. I love that she wants to. I love that she gets to feel like a princess in the parade too. I have told her since she was little that she is a princess, because she is a child of The King. As she has grown, I now see her as a warrior princess. She is smart, beautiful, courageous,strong, non-judgemental, and loving. I see so much of Rachel in her. I hope that as she continues to grow , the qualities will continue characterize her life.

“As painful as the process may be, that which shatters our superficiality also shatters the fetters of our fragility and frees us to walk with dignity and might to our destinies. We are not the fragile flowers we’ve considered ourselves to be. We, like Esther, are the warrior princesses of God” (Beth Moore, Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman).

No matter what

2011-10-11T09:58:00.003-05:00

I am posting from the hospital today. My oldest son Rob came down with what I thought was the same virus that I had. His symptoms were presenting different from mine so he made a trip to minor care which placed him in the emergency room and then in a room. At first they thought it was his appendix, then Chrons disease, now they just aren't sure. It's hard to just sit and wait, and not know what's wrong or what's right. I'm not real good at "being still". I think I have mentioned that before..I have noticed that I haven't went to the bad place yet. I know that God is in control and that no matter what ..it will all be OK. It seems that my life is just one big storm lately. I am hunkerin down and hanging on to all of His promises ..that's really all I can do. They changed Robs time this morning for colonoscopy and I wasn't able to get here in time to see him before he went back. I did get to talk to him on the phone, but its not the same,It was a little unsettling to say the least. Right as me and my parents got here, he was finished and was in recovery. He had an easy time with the procedure.The nurse told me that he was asking about me as soon as he woke up. He told them to go tell my mom cuz she's gonna be worried.She asked Rob how old he was and she said she had a 26 year old son. She said it was so nice to see a mother and a son so close. She even said she wished she had that."But my son has a wife ...and....." she didn't even finish her sentence.Yes my son is what I lovingly call a "turd"..be he does have a big heart, and I am so glad that someone else could see the love that I have for my child and his feelings for me..that sweet little boy that would hold my hand in the car on the way to school when he was 12 years old! That big boy who wouldn't go to bed until I could "'come tuck him in". No its not the perfect relationship, it never will be. But if I have learned anything throughout all of this trial,it is to just simply love. No matter what.

You've got 5 minutes

2011-10-05T22:05:00.005-05:00

I have spent the last 5 days trying to recover from a stomach bug. So far, no one else in the house has caught it. While I was "out of it" KK decided she wanted to get her ears pierced. She is her own person. She does everything on her terms. She told her daddy that he had five minutes to get ready to take her to the mall..that's funny. I tried to talk her out of it, to wait for me. She said "that's OK...I'll go ahead and do it". I really didn't expect it to happen. I figured they would get there and get ready to do it, and then come home with no holes.But, I was wrong. She came be- bopping into my bedroom so proud.I knew she would pick out blue earrings, that's her favorite color...it has always been . After I was told all the details of the piercing, Kenny looked at me and very softly said " she picked out the September earrings" I just smiled and said " of course she did".
I had no idea that blue was September's birthstone color..I love how everything continues to weave together.

"Life reveals her beauty one precious miracle at a time".

Pinky rings and other things

2011-09-28T11:52:00.004-05:00

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart".

My brothers sweet friend takes lots of photos for me at Kennedys volleyball games. When I first saw this picture(before I cropped it down), I immediately went to my husbands hand. At first glance you probably think "wow, isn't he a cool dude..he wears a pinky ring". The day before the funeral my mom gave me several silver pieces of jewelry.Some necklaces , hearts, just different "special" things for us to wear. In the mix was the ring he has on his pinky . It simply says RACHEL. He hasn't taken it off since that day. Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. My husband wears that ring and carries Rachel in his heart, but he does it for himself. I wear things and go to town wishing someone would ask me about it...please let me tell you why I have this on. But that is me. That is my way. I guess the point of this post is ..maybe things aren't always the way they seem. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge what someone wears, or what they put on their car, or on a billboard , or on the side of the road. Walk in my shoes for just on day.Or if not me someone else you know that has had to bury a child . Things we do might seem different to you, or maybe hard for you to understand.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love..2Peter 1:5-7...
and it always comes back to love ..

In the quiet

2011-09-22T21:49:00.002-05:00

I feel like I haven't stopped mentally or physically for days. Getting up at 5:30 to make lunches and then staying up with my thoughts has been exhausting. The other morning I noticed it was way to quiet . KK said "the bird feeder is empty". She was right. With everything that had been going on the past few weeks, I had let the seed run out but was too "out "of it myself to know. I just knew I was missing something. Now jump ahead about 14hours....
I had just sat down on the couch to maybe watch a little tv and Kennedy poked her head in my room and asked me if I would please blowdry her hair because she was too tired to do it. Honestly, my first thoughts were" what do you think I did all day"?? As I was taking a minute to go thru my list in my mind, the other part of my brain that is linked to my heart started saying.." what would I give to be able to fix Rachel's hair..just one more time"... what would I give..My hands were always in that girls hair. I cut it, I hi lighted it, I styled it for prom..pictures..you name it. " yes sweetie, I will dry it for you". ' I hope when she gets older it is the things that I do for her and with her, and not the things that I buy her that she remembers .I wrote all that to say, its amazing how many new things I still find that I miss about Rach . I guess having a reminder of how sometimes you really don't miss something...until its gone helped me to understand a quote I have in my home..

“We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.”

PRECIOUS MEMORIES, UNSEEN ANGELS SENT FROM SOMEWHERE TO MY SOUL HOW THEY LINGER, EVER NEAR ME AND THE SACRED PAST UNFOLD.

We are the champions

2011-09-17T21:04:00.006-05:00

A little after midnight I was startled awake. I grabbed my computer and saw where my sister and some close friends were on facebook thinking of Rachel too. I got up and for some reason I went into the kids bathroom. I never do that, especially at night. As I walked in on the floor right by the toilet was this little red heart

I don't know how it got there, I just know that it was there.

Well, Kennedy's team came in 1st place in the tournament. I don't know how she was able to play. She carries so much in her heart. I am just amazed by her and how she overcomes.She played from her heart today... Every game. She was the first person to serve today, and she was the last.This is the serve that won the tournament. It all played out like a movie. She was able to make plays that were just amazing.After they had won and were all huddled together is when I began to silently cry. I was so proud and so moved. I am so thankful that God gave us some joy this weekend. This day 2 years ago I began to live minute by minute. Last year I left town for the day..today I watched my child Live her dream..thank you God for today.

Hope for tomorrow

2011-09-16T21:37:00.003-05:00

Well, we won ALL of our volleyball games tonight. It was such an exciting night. Kennedy put her stamp on before she went to school. I wore Rachel's Pirate tshirt to the game. It was just amazing to watch. I know tomorrow morning I will be busy because they play early, but don't think for one minute that my Rach is not on my mind every second. So many "winks" today..soo many..Thank you God for them..thank you all for continuing to stay here with me ..and thank you God for my beautiful Rachel.

There you'll be

2011-09-14T07:50:00.006-05:00

"There are just some things a mother should not have to do"....I remember so well standing at the counter in the office of our local paper just days after the funeral almost two years ago, with my photo and my scribbled piece of paper...barely able to form a sentence. I handed it all to the lady and just stared at her. The lady looked at me and said those words..
As I was trying to put together something for the newspaper again, those words kept pouring through my mind. And then trying to come up with 1 picture, 1 thing to say. I second guess everything ..because it never feels like it is enough. I wanted this photo because I love how I feel when I see it. And I am so grateful to Tammy Silvestrini, for creating it for me. These words are from the song that Michelle sang at the funeral.( If you click on the photo it will get bigger.)

I sat on the couch Monday after I had spent the morning trying to get this photo to print, struggling through the day. When my husband came home he sat with me and I told him how the day went. Through his own tears he asked " why is this year so much harder"..I don't know ..what I do know is that God is still walking with me. On the way to the paper I stopped to get gas. As soon as I got out of my car , a butterfly came out of nowhere and led me in to the store. I thought that was amazing. When I came back out to pump my gas , a feather was laying right by my door. Like the words to the song say...and everywhere I am ..there you'll be.

****after I wrote this I went back to read it on "the blog"..when I clicked on the photo..I noticed the quote above the picture for the first time..perfect

Stamp of approval

2011-09-10T18:17:00.001-05:00

I took the girls to town to find a stamp for Kennedy to wear in her volleyball games. The first "craft" store was awful. All the stamps were in a bin, it was just too hard. We went to hobby lobby next. I had already looked at theirs and knew it was all organized. I tried showing her some things and she, of course, had her own ideas. She wanted a Calla lily.....didn't have it...then she saw this one and grabbed it and said" this is it...and I want green ink..it has to be green..it was Rachel's favorite color".

It was a very hard thing for her to do. There were a few tears as she was standing and staring at the wall of stamps. It all reminds you of her...and when the tears would come, sweet little KK would turn into a little comedian to try to make us laugh...pleading for us to laugh. What an outpouring of love for sisters in a craft store. But then the conversation took us down another road..we had to ask the coach where she could wear the stamp.I told Kennedy I would take care of that. Her coach's response to what we had decided to get was "that's awesome"! Anywhere but on her face or hand..perfect.
Love never fails.

Going up?

2011-09-07T13:19:00.004-05:00

I am seven days into September and it has already been overwhelming. I will find out today which team Kennedy is on. If she is on the A team, they have a tournament on Saturday .....the 17th. I don't know if this is good or bad. I see myself sitting in the stands weeping as I watch this child,who everyday reminds me more and more of Rachel,play volleyball. The coach assigned them their number already, she did not get to pick it. Her number is 16. Pretty darn close huh?. I was trying to think of something that Kennedy could wear for the game that would not interfere with playing. Something that she couldn't outgrow, or that would break easy. I thought about a stamp. Some kind of stamp that she could put on her arm, or wherever to remind her of Rach. My choice would not probably not be the same as Kennedys so I will let her pick it out. I am trying to move forward thru this time. I have tried to come up with ways to make you understand. Its not fear that keeps me from moving . I tried to explain it to my sister. I just feel like I am waiting. Like if you were at a train station, or a busy bus station. I see people moving and getting on and going ..and I want to go ..but I stay. Or remember when you were little and you were faced with getting on the up escalator ??? Standing and waiting for the perfect time to step...not too soon, wait ....wait.. not afraid to step...just waiting for it to feel right to step on. That's how I feel. I am not afraid to move up, or forward..It just doesn't feel like this step is for me..right now.

“She wasn’t where she had been. She wasn’t where she was going… but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn’t fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one… And two, you can live completely without complete understanding. .......She was on her way.” -

Dream a little dream...

2011-08-31T22:06:00.003-05:00

I can count on 3 fingers how many times I have dreamed about Rachel in the past 2 years. Monday night she made just a brief appearance...just long enough to share a laugh and get on to me about something I was going to do that she thought was wrong. I miss laughing with her so much. Earlier that day, I had found this comedians website that I thought was really funny. There were some expletives in his jokes, but I can read around them..he had other things on the page that were "clean". As I was reading it , I was thinking of all the people that I thought I should tell about it..Well, in my dream Rach and I are laughing at the jokes, but then when I say I am gonna tell people she says" mom, you know it has stuff in it that they shouldn't see"...it was like she was saying, we know its funny, just leave it between us. It was only a short dream but it just felt so happy. It was the very thing I had been missing the most..our
laughing together. That same night one of her sweet friends had a dream about her too! Hers was just what she needed it to be too. I think I have been afraid to dream about her, thinking it would be too hard to see her, but this dream was so much like how we were..maybe I'll make some more bad choices just to see if she shows up..

Bump Set Spike

2011-08-26T06:26:00.006-05:00

We are back in school ! This has been a very busy week for us. Starting on Tuesday, I had to have Kennedy up at 5:30 to be a the school by 6:15 for volleyball tryouts. According to her, she has waited four years to be able to play. She started going to volleyball camps during the summer years ago and just fell in love with it. She also knew that Rachel played volleyball in jr high. On the first day of tryouts Kennedy looked at me with that face that I know so well and said " we are supposed to wear a loose fitting tshirt "..in other words ...can I wear one of Rachels..so trying to be as cheerful as I can I told her she should wear Rachs Pirate tshirt.

Perfect. It totally made her day. I get it, I know that feeling...you just need something that you can feel that was part of her. I asked her this morning before while I was brushing her hair if they assigned them numbers or if they get to pick. She said she didn't know. I asked her if she had thought about what number she wanted if she got to pick. Without hesitation she said " I want to be either 17 or 89." It took my breath away. And then I could see the huge tears well up in my child's eyes. I asked her if she was sure, because I didn't want it to be hard for her. She said she was sure..I told her that she could use 7. 8 + 9 = 17.. 17....just take the 7 . You would know what it meant, plus its Gods perfect number.. she said she had thought about it and really wanted one of those numbers. Well, ok..Kennedy made the team, we just don't know which team yet( they have an A and B team).I am very excited about getting to watch her do something that she has waited so long to do. I am also very concerned ,already, about her getting on a bus to go to other schools to play. That is just how it always will be for me. Up and down.I told myself that I can't let my fear of death keep my children from living. I'm trying ..

Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear.
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.

"but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;"

Thru the fire

2011-08-21T21:48:00.004-05:00

Well, I officially have another child in the "youth" department. I have been on such a rollercoaster the last few weeks. I did have a really high spot today too, it was my first day to teach Kk's class. I will really enjoy this year with them, they are the sweetest 3rd and 4th graders. Today at two different times from two different people , I was told the same quote at church...
"disappointments are inevitable, discouragement is a choice."
Yes, I am hardheaded so I had to be told twice..I have thought on it all day. This journey that I am on, this path, is not well paved. It is not for luxury rides.But God will see to it that I have everything I need to endure every bump in the road ,every storm that I drive through. I have been placed on this road by Him.
“The people were much discouraged because of the way.” Another version of this verse says "and the soul of the people became very discouraged on the way. " (num.21:4) The way can get us discouraged: the heat, the storms, the feeling of not having what we need to make the journey. But then there is a Way above the way. Our feet may be on the scorched dry earth but our hearts should be on and in the Way of all ways. Jesus said, “I am the Way”.
I keep hearing the words to one of my favorite songs...

He never promised
that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb

He never offered our victories without fighting
But He said help would always come in time
Just remember when your standing in the valley of decision
And the adversary says give in
Just hold on
our Lord will show up
And He will take you through the fire again

Getting promoted

2011-08-18T22:54:00.004-05:00

Last night was the last time for me to teach Kennedy on Wednesday night at church. Sunday morning is promotion day, and she will be going to the youth department. It seems like just yesterday she was in Miss Bonessa's Mission friends class. I have been with her for the past 6 years teaching her in GA 's , and I taught her Sunday School class for 2 years, and then Sunday night class for about 4 years, and then this year doing Flight school. I say all this not to brag, but to say time goes by so fast. Don't wait until next month, next year, or later to decide to get involved with your children. I only got to teach Rachel's classes a couple of times. Most of our time at church was spent together in the worship service, or working on VBS etc. I have so many memories with Rach at church. I am so thankful for the loving teachers that she had growing up at our church. Each and every one of them showed her how to serve, and how to love Jesus.
I hope this inspires you to spend some time with your child at church, or even just to stop and pray together before a meal. I just can't imagine walking this journey without having ALL of this to comfort me.

2 Timothy 3:14-15 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

My sky

2011-08-17T07:30:00.003-05:00

It is one month until I have to face THAT day, again. My girls go back to school Monday, and the house will be quiet . Some days are just so hard. I wrote this last night after I saw two of Rachs sweet friends in the store.One girl getting married, the other having a baby. I smile for them, and cry on the way home..

I feel the pain as it swells in my eyes.
I take a deep breath and I realize
True love never dies , it only can grow
Then I look at the sky and its says ", I know."

Reading between the lines

2011-08-14T22:03:00.006-05:00

My kitchen remodel ,that I have been hiding in, forced me to clean my "catch all " shelf over my dryer. As I was taking everything down , I picked up these papers that were folded and lying in the very back corner of the shelf.

It was a story Rachel had written for her English class in 2005. I wasn't really sure what I was reading. It didn't look familiar. As I skimmed through the pages the first thing I read was " I realized I couldn't waste my time feeling sorry for myself when other people needed me".. wow..that was all I could read. I sat and just stared at it, trying to understand how I had not found it before. I had been up on that shelf many times...making corsages, getting tools..and there is sat. Here is the story ..

One Windswept Summer

In our life we will come across people who affect the entire way we look at ourselves and the world around us. Animals are the exception. They don't try to conform you to societies perspective; they accept you as you are with all your flaws and imperfections. This makes pets seem closer than any human friend because they listen, without interruption, and they can brighten even the darkest days by being there.It was the summer I went to stay at my Uncle Bruce's farm that I realized this;it was the summer that I found myself through Lamb-Chop.
I was 14 and like many teenagers, I was very introverted and spent most of my time lying in my room staring at the ceiling. My mom, tired of me feeling sorry for myself, decided to send me off to Uncle Bruces farm in hot sticky Louisiana. Let me tell you , I was not thrilled of spending two and half months with a man I only saw once a year at Christmas, but it was nonnegotiable. During the first few weeks on the farm, I stayed confined to my room, wishing my friends were there to feel sorry for me and comfort me. But then everything changed. I was lying in bed one night with the window open, trying to catch a breeze, when I heard a soft moaning coming from below my window. I leaped from the bed, convinced the old house was haunted, and ran to the window. When I looked down, I was surprised to see a tiny lamb lying in the rose bushes, thorns caught in its wool.I raced to the front door, across the wrap-around porch, and to the rose bush to free the tiny lamb.I slowly approached the bush so I wouldn't startle the tiny animal and make it become ever more entangled in the thorns. As quickly as I could without injuring the lamb, I pulled out the thorns, doing my best to make the lamb feel safe. After two minutes that felt like an eternity, the thorns released the lamb from its entrapment.Sitting there in the dark, we just stared at each other , until finally I said " you're free, Lamb-chop. Go back to your family". Lamb-chop sat there staring at me with her gorgeous brown eyes as though she were transfixed, captivated by my presence. I realized that she had no idea where to go and if I left her outside, a bobcat was sure to eat her for a midnight snack. Carefully wrapping the tiny lamb in my sweatshirt, I silently crept back up onto the front porch, through the front door and back into my room.
For the rest of the night, Lamb-chop slept at the foot of my bed, still wrapped in my sweatshirt.The next morning, my uncle, who wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea of having a farm animal sleeping inside,still consented to let me tend to Lamb-chop for the rest of my stay. For the next month and a half, I had been transformed completely into an extroverted person who no longer laid around feeling sorry for myself but spent most of her time running around outside playing with Lamb-chop. I told that tiny animal my deepest secrets and things that I never dreamed I'd tell anyone. I realized that I couldn't wasted my time feeling sorry for myself when other people needed me. Also I realized I had no reason to feel sorry for myself in the first place.I never thought I would actually feel distraught when the summer was over because I never thought I would have the time of my life at a smelly Louisiana farm. Lamb-chop couldn't come back home with me and I cried the whole way home and the next day because over the month and a half that lamb had become my best friend, the one person who I could confide all the deepest desires of my heart and know she would not laugh at me.
The days that followed my return were hard and emotional but I soon realized that even though I lost Lamb-chop, I found myself and I knew the memory of Lamb-chop would not quickly fade. Last summer I went back to my uncle's farm and found that Lamb-chop had been sold to a farm in Kentucky.but instead of feeling remorse,I knew that Lamb-chop's purpose was going to be better served helping their teenage daughter find herself through the love and support she gives.

A test before school even starts

2011-08-09T22:54:00.004-05:00

We went today to register Kennedy for junior high. It is hard for me to believe she is two years away from high school. We were there for over an hour going from station to station. We have a relative that went to school with Rach ,whose last name is the same as ours, who was well liked at the Jr high. Several people asked me if I was his mom, or if I was related to him. But when we were almost finished, a lady looked at Kennedy's paper, said her last name..and then said "do you have an old sister"? The look on Kennedy's face was way too familiar. She took what seemed like minutes to absorb the blow. It all went in slow motion for me, watching her take a deep breath, close her eyes, and swallow...I knew that she was struggling with how to answer..not wanting to have to say the words. Finally she looked at me, and I smiled and nodded my head and said " yes" and urged her to say it. She looked at the woman with an almost pleading look and said "yes ma'am I do." Then the lady said what is her name. .I knew that these were all innocent questions. She had no clue about Rach. I was fighting to keep my emotions in check, plus not be in that vicious protect mode. I mainly just wanted it to stop for my child's sake. Once again Kennedy looked the lady right in the eyes and said " her name IS Rachel...Rachel Clark." The lady said oh OK...or something generic..I just remember feeling proud of my child and so sad for her at the same time. Sometimes I wonder how much they have silently endured when I was not there with them . I talked later with Kennedy about it. I explained to her that the lady just saw her last name and thought she recognized it. We talked about what to say or what she could say if it ever happened again. She said it just made her sad. You just don't know when or how or its going to happen... but when you hit that wall of grief, it feels as hard as it did the last time. But , we made it through..that's all that matters.

"When these feet of mine grow tired from walking mile after mile,
And when I think my faith is steady here comes another trial.
When it seems the worlds against me and no one understands...
Don't ever let go of my hand."

8 = :(

2011-08-06T22:45:00.006-05:00

I realized last Tuesday on the way home from the lake that it is August. It is not last years panic that I feel, it is just a deep sorrow. My thought are many, way too many. The constant slide show plays what I miss the most, and what I want the most to forget. I have thrown myself into a kitchen remodel hoping to keep me occupied. So far, it isn't working. Almost two years of grief..some days it feels like its been an eternity. I have had lots of "winks" , which does help. It is just hard to find words these days. Keep checking in with me tho, you never know.

“In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.”psalm 94:19

Through eternity sing

2011-07-27T22:25:00.005-05:00

After having that deep conversation with Kennedy, it sent my mind into a frenzy of thoughts. I waited a few days and then we talked about "that day" again. I wanted to be sure she was remembering everything right. The truth is, they left for school before Rach ever got up...there was nothing she could have done..there was nothing anyone could have done.. Sometimes it seems that things about the funeral stay on my mind. Then one day I take a breath and realize that my mind has slowed. It never stops thinking about Rach, I have said that before. I tried to make Kennedy understand that its OK to miss her, and to be sad. I know how it can make you feel ....like you are crazy. The night before the funeral, when we were getting ready to leave from visitation, I asked them to keep the music on for Rach. She always had music on. I wonder if they said they would just so I would feel better...or leave.

"All our sorrow will end, and our voices will blend, With the loved ones who've gone on before."

I have heard of a land on the far away strand, Tis a beautiful home of the soul; Built by Jesus on high, where we never shall die, Tis a land where we never grow old.

Never grow old, never grow old, In a land where well never grow old; Never grow old, never grow old, In a land where well never grow old.

In that beautiful home where well never more roam, We shall be in the sweet by and by; Happy praise to the King through eternity sing, Tis a land where we never shall die.

When our work here is done and the life crown is won, And our troubles and trials are oer; All our sorrow will end, and our voices will blend, With the loved ones who've gone on before.

2011-07-23T21:43:00.005-05:00

" I just wish I would have gotten up earlier and talked to her for even 30 seconds. Then the 18 wheeler would have missed her...why didn't I just get up".

My sweet Kennedy has carried this around for 22 months. You can only imagine the struggle for words that I had

and still have.

I can only keep repeating the phrase that we learned at camp.

"When I can't, Jesus can."

Setting Sail

2011-07-18T06:48:00.006-05:00

I leave today to take ten girls to church camp. Last year was amazing, so I am as excited as the girls are to go. Both of my girls will be going with me. This is Kennedy's last year for this camp. That is the only hard part. Realizing again how fast they grow and what she will soon have to face in this world. I had been trying to decide what to bring with me to camp as a little "wink". And then yesterday morning my sweet friend solved that problem for me. She gave me this beautiful bracelet with Rachs verse on it.

I see that same verse being used to help others in my family too, and each time in such a different and special way. As I was gathering up my things for camp, I came across one of Rachs Bibles. I had set the ribbon to 1 Corinthians 13, and when I opened it there were those perfect heart clovers that I had found that day at her garden. My heart was filled with love. I actually even smiled.

Love

Never

Fails

Last years theme was Live Love. We sang about love is patient love is kind...there were hearts everywhere. This year the theme is Set Sail and the verse for the week is Psalms 113 3
From the sunrise in the east to the sunset in the west, may the name of the Lord be praised.

...hearts and sunsets...

Taking a break

2011-07-12T07:13:00.008-05:00

Last week the girls and I made a much needed visit to our favorite spot, Moody Gardens. We stayed 3 days and 2 nights. We had a great time. I go there to relax and BE with the girls. The days are long and full but it doesn't keep my mind from going to the same places it always goes to. Just like the girls have certain things they have to see and do while they are there, I have my things too

The sunsets when we are there are so incredible. Every night is so different , and so perfect. I also love the penguins, the macaroni penguins.

I saw a lot of new things on this visit too. Things that really make you think about God and how He created all these amazing things and how powerful He truly is. And how my mind will never understand how all those things are in the ocean, and each one perfectly created .

Its hard to believe that this will be a shark. But that is just God. I look at all the flowers and see such beauty. A butterfly can bring a tear to my eye just because after everything it goes through, they are only on this earth for a short time....

and it always comes back to Rach...

There are so many things I don't understand. I realized on the way home ,while all these things were going through my mind ,that I spend too much time trying to "understand" . Not one time in the Bible does God ever ask me to UNDERSTAND anything. He just ask me to trust Him..to have faith ...and that only has to be the size of a very tiny seed. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart ....and lean not on your own understanding".... I guess KK was trying to tell me something...back on April the 14.

Her unsong song

2011-07-01T11:14:00.003-05:00

I needed to take some time to regroup from all the VBS activities and, well just from trying to get through each day. In the middle of all of that, more fuel was thrown onto the fire that my family has been walking through.It is not my story to tell so I will keep it private. But is has had a huge impact on my family. All I will say is that I am still trusting God to take care of ALL of this. While in the middle of this crisis(a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life), I went into the pretty room to put back a dvd that Robin and Dakota had "borrowed" from Rach. I went to set it on the stack of the others and I noticed what was on the top. It said " Strong Enough". I thought it was also a dvd, so I went to put it in my computer . While I was looking at it, I realized it was a cd. It was actually an accompaniment cd. What I was holding was the song my Rach never got to sing. The words to this song fit so perfectly to everything we were going through . Just when I thought I had found all there is to find... God gave me this...

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again.

My bear hug

2011-06-24T15:07:00.003-05:00

This week of VBS was really great. Last night was our finale night. After it was over and we were hugging each other and saying our thanks, one of our crew leaders (who was also Rachels youth leader) came up to me and hugged me and said " thanks for bringing Rachel up here with us this week, I saw it the first night " I was surprised and overcome at the same time. Of course he knew what it was because his daughter has one too. It is one of those things that you can't explain. As emotional as it sometimes is, I love when others say her name, or share a Rachel story with me. Just seeing the love helps to make me feel not so alone as I drift through this fog of grief.

Precious panda memories

2011-06-21T13:35:00.006-05:00

Well, after many hours of shopping and planning,the stage was finally ready for our VBS. I have handled it all so much better than I did last year. I was afraid that when it came time, I would not be able to sing the one song that was the reason I picked this VBS. The first night was in a word...madness. But God took our mess and turned it into something beautiful. Tonight is the third night of our VBS . It seems like just when you get in the groove , it will soon be over. I love watching the kids sing, and get excited about praising God. I love seeing my own girls on stage with me, leading other kids in worship not because I am forcing them too but because they want to do it. I see so much of Rachel in them. One of Rachels sweet friends that helps me every year is up there again this year. My girls love being with her too. Kennedy asked her how long she had been friends with her sister. She just needs to know that people still love Rach too. No one has found my Rachel "wink" yet that I placed in the set. I know it's there, and I know she is there too, because ..
"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart.I am never without it.
Anywhere I go ..you go,my dear."

let me know if you find it. if you click on the picture, it will get bigger.

My summer song

2011-06-13T06:44:00.003-05:00

My summer song is sad and long.
It talks. Of love and pain.
Flowers bloom and birds still sing
But it always ends the same.
It always says Your name.

My summer songs The only song
My heart will ever sing.
Every starry sky, every butterfly
Will say hello and say goodbye
But they always say..your name.

Sometimes the summertime..
Can flood your soul with dreams.
Leave you wondering what it means..
Wishing it would wash away
The loneliness and drown the pain.

When summers gone my summer song
Will still be in my dreams.
Ill feel the warmth and won't forget
Every sun that I see set..
And how they always say....your name.

2011-06-10T06:33:00.004-05:00

I have been very busy this week with vacation Bible school preparatons. Our theme is Pandamania. As soon as I saw the title of one of the songs, I knew this was the one we had to do. I'll give you the edited version....
The last song Rach and I sang together in church was "He knows my name"...by the Mcraes..We actually sang it at both churches that we attend. Not long after the funeral,my sweet friend brought me a CD of a song that she thought would bring me some comfort.The title was "He knows my name"...different version..but you can imagine my reaction when I saw the title. So, I'm flipping thru the vbs material and I see the music,and I see those four words...HE KNOWS MY NAME...I knew it was the one for us, since I lead the music. Really, I instantly felt drawn to this vbs and without a doubt wanted to do it. Every time we have thought that something would fall apart, God has taken care of it. I know that when vbs gets here, I will miss Rach more than ever. She was always there with me. I will put a little something on the stage as part of the decorations that represents her. Last year it was the sunset that I painted. This year well....you'll just have to wait ...maybe I'll post a picture and let you try to find it.

"When I'm overwhelmed by the pain and can't see the light of day..I know I'll be just fine...cause He knows my name".

Rachel sang the first verse.... after much debate..lol

Still living with your goodbye

2011-06-06T16:57:00.005-05:00

We took a few days off and went to the lake. It was nice to be away,even tho it was a quick visit. I find myself to be in a place that I am not comfortable in. I feel like I keep hitting the same brick wall.I don't know what I can do, or need to do , different.It's like my own kind of "Groundhog Day"..I keep counting the months until September..its June already...July,August,...and then September. Maybe this is what they mean when they say the second year of grief is harder.This year flew by and so much of it is a blur,.but I keep telling myself it will get better. I see glimpses of "better" every now and then. I came across something today that made it better..

It is a CD Rach made for me a couple of years ago. You see it says "heart" Rach. She signed her name that way alot. If she wrote a note to me or one of her friends , it was heart and Rach.I am amazed at how many things I find with a heart on it that I never really paid attention to before. I love finding this CD. I am afraid that very soon there will be no more "winks" to find..I don't know what I will do then. But today, I am thankful for this one, and the smile that her smiley face gave me. I remember playing that cd with her in the car. She was my Tim .I was Faith Hill, and she was my Tim McGraw. Even tho she could sing circles around me, she was happy to just be the harmony and let me pretend. It was so easy to sing with her. It was something we did always. We knew what songs we had to sing on...and even tho she would say " I hate country music"..she would sing it with me..
I love you Rach.

To where you are

2011-05-28T22:56:00.007-05:00

I did something I had not done since the funeral. I watched the memorial video that was made for that day. I had tried many times to sit and watch it. I have held it in my hand...and closed my eyes..and watched it play out in my mind . The other night, I could not sleep .I was going through my photos and I came across the file in my computer. As soon as the music started, I was back in that church,..down on the first pew...watching the video, and singing along with it. No one ever commented to me about my singing. I said something about the video to my husband right after the funeral, and he said..I heard you. I really didn't care if people heard me, I was just surprised that no one ever mentioned it. I could remember so well while I was watching it, which parts of the video made me cry harder at the funeral. I remember seeing Rach with that sweet smile on her face, and hearing the people respond to the photos. I know I will never forget any part of that day. Almost 2 years later and it is still so raw. I cannot share the video on here. There are many photos of other family members and I respect their privacy. It was very long anyway...2 songs long.. much longer than the man at the funeral home had asked for..too bad.. I say goodbye on my terms.. I will, however, share the songs that were played. Josh Grobins song. ...
"To Where You Are"
some songs you just can't read the lyrics to...you have to hear it.I hear it daily...

Who can say for certain?
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my forever love
And you are watching over me from up above?

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing?
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

'Cause you are my forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Friends are friends forever..

2011-05-24T22:17:00.003-05:00

This past Sunday our church honored our graduating seniors. It is an emotional day for a normal person, so you can imagine how it feels for me. Some of the kids that were graduating had been in the youth group with Rachel. They had grown up together,taken trips together, and worshiped together. As the grads were standing down front, I noticed something that made me smile,and cry. This one senior was wearing his cross necklace that I had given to him. Honestly , I don't think I have seen him without it on since I gave it too him. This is not a photo from Sunday. I borrowed it off his facebook.

As you can see, he has the necklace on. There were several more photos where you could see it. I can't explain to you how it makes me feel to see it. I love that he wears it ..and I will keep him an extra one back just in case he wears his out. Our pianist played this song for our offering that day. It is also the song that Rachels choir sang at her last choir performance in high school..

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter of your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And with the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show

We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

To live as friends

Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

No a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

here's the video if you have never heard the song..I can see her standing on stage with her friends , arm in arm....just like it was yesterday..
" we'll keep you close.....as always"..

A day for remembering

2011-05-20T09:18:00.006-05:00

What a week this has been ! Sunday mornings scholarship presentation went really well. But then that afternoon my dad had a gallbladder attack which ended in him having it removed on Wednesday . Thank the Lord that all went ok.
Sunday was a beautiful day all the way around. Church at New Cherry Grove was wonderful. Bro. Doug has the sweetest spirit. He wanted me to talk as long as I wanted to "if I could"..and talk about Rachel .."If I could"....I have no problem talking about Rach. That small church has so much love in it. I am so thankful to them for continuing to remember her. The whole service was about remembering. We also shared the Lords Supper together. The young man that received the scholarship,Garret , was so appreciative.He has a list of accomplishments that are a mile long. I used a quote in my speech to him that said " what we are is Gods gift to us, what we become is our gift to Him". Garret has many gifts. I urged him to continue to allow God to use him. He gave me a hug before I even finished talking. This young man is going to be something very special.

I did not present the scholarship to Amanda. Her dad was still in Australia and she wanted to wait for him. I did,however,get to speak with her after church. She came bopping up to me in the parking lot and someone said "Suzette this is Amanda"..I saw this girl with long brownish blonde hair parted on the side...not a lot of makeup, naturally beautiful...a hoodie...flip flops...also built like RACHEL..if you know anything about Rach..you know how much I loved every part of this. Amanda gives really good hugs too. I was so glad I got to have "real" conversation with both of them . I told Amanda how touched I was by her honesty..she said she had to be honest. The whole time I was talking to her, I was listening, but looking..at just how similar she was to Rach.

I realized how long it had been since I had had an opportunity to speak in front of people about her. I am thankful that God gave me grace enough to be able to go and share in that wonderful day.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".

Presenting...

2011-05-13T13:33:00.005-05:00

The "blog" has been down for a couple of days for them to straighten out some issues, so I haven't been able to make a new post. This coming weekend I will be giving two seniors the scholarship that is in honor of Rach. I was given the applications to read and was touched by what each of them had to say. The young lady that was chosen was so honest. She said she had hooked up with the wrong guy and was heading down the wrong road, and then she was saved and her life was turned around. Kids these days are all about these "fake" relationships. They text, they facebook, they do everything behind a screen. For some of them, they can't even have a conversation face to face. I was so impressed with her willingness to be so honest. She could have made up a story about needing money ,but she put it all out there. I don't know a lot of adults that would be willing to say " I was a mess". The young man who is also receiving a scholarship is actually Kenny's cousins son. What an application he had. He has already lived such a life of service to the Lord . I am praying for just the right words to say to them so they understand even tho it is not a huge scholarship, it means the world to me. One day ...one day... I will be able to really make a difference to someone . I just know that God will allow me to do that. I know that He can dream a much bigger dream than I can, so I am not putting any limits on it.
"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."psalm 37: 4-5

In her shoes

2011-05-09T08:26:00.010-05:00

My Mothers day was a very long full day.It actually started on Saturday when I was gifted with a new tablet pc. I was very surprised and upset because that was a BIG gift...but...I LOVE it! Then Sunday morning came. I knew what I was wearing. My whole outfit was about wearing these

Rachels shoes..she wore them to graduation. I got so many comments on them.I loved being able to say " they are Rachels". I also put little touches here and there that only I knew were reminders for me that she is a part of everything I do.

The flowers and the butterfly from her Easter basket. They were perfect for the day.
All the kids sang How Great Thou Art. And a very special young lady sang I'll Stand By You. Rachel had sang that for our Mothers in 2008. It was such a sweet moment for me. I didn't have the panic that I usually have. I didn't have the fear. I just felt love.

After lunch we went to visit my Mother.Then later in the evening I went to Rachels garden to bring her some hydrangeas from my garden. They were her second favorite flower.Of course I didn't have a vase, so I put them in my dp bottle. I knew Rach would get a kick out of it.

It was so quiet there. I could see a lot of new flowers out ,but I was the only one there. I stayed longer than I usually do..waiting..hoping..missing..
I walked over to this huge old tree that is close her. I love the way the sunlight is filtered through the limbs. I stood there looking up , listening to the birds sing.

I took several pictures, trying to capture just how beautiful it is. Then as I went to sit on the bench that rest under the tree, I saw something that I had not noticed before.

How could I...the biggest candy eater in Vidor, not seen this kiss???? I had to pick it up.

It was hard still, even though it was hot and humid. A kiss ..for me..on Mothers day. I sat and watched the sun as it began to set. It was a huge and glowing.

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.john 1 4-5

Pain in the offering

2011-05-05T13:23:00.003-05:00

Very soon Mothers day will be here. I have planned a Muffins with Moms on Sunday morning for all the ladies in our church. I am not as anxious as I was last year. I look at things different now. I know how it all feels..I know how much it all hurts. That is what I think about now. Not IF it will be hard, but how hard will it be. I am keeping my heart open tho, and my hopes high. God has been so very good to me, I am expecting something great to happen.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name..

Something beautiful

2011-05-01T22:16:00.002-05:00

Fishing down the bunny trail

2011-04-25T21:27:00.004-05:00

We decided that this Easter we would do exactly what we wanted to do...check out! We grabbed some clothes,groceries and the aluminum boat and headed to the lake. It was just Kenny,me and the little girls. It was perfect Easter weather. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing...it blew us all over the lake. The fishing was not very good.

It was easy to fish and easy to just be there. I was flooded with memories while we were there, as I always am, but I was able to enjoy them and make some new ones.

I almost missed this photo because I didn't want to take my eyes off of them to turn my camera on. I love this shot so much. The love between siblings. That comforting hand on your back. It reminded me of the funeral. My husband and his younger brother....the hand on the back that says...I'm right here..always..

..But the greatest of these is love.

Revive us again

2011-04-18T15:01:00.004-05:00

We are having a revival this week at our church. The preacher that is here was at our church back in 2008.Rach and I attended many services together. Since he was last here, he lost someone very special to him too...his wife. She lost her fight with cancer. He has since remarried , but today during our lunch service, he talked a lot about death and losing loved ones. I was hesitant to go today because I had spent the morning looking for flowers for Rachels Easter basket. You have no idea how hard it is to find the perfect flowers . Every time it gets harder and harder. And then there are the people in the store that always comment on what I am getting or on what they are getting and why they are getting it." I'm doing my daughters wedding"...good for you..I'm doing these for my daughter too...to take to the cemetery. Needless to say , I wasn't sure I should go to church. And then after he started his sermon ...I felt I was right in my thinking..But I stayed, and I am glad I did. He shared a statement that his mother in law made after he lost his wife, her daughter. She had already lost her daughters twin brother when he was only in his early 20's. He was electrocuted at work. He asked her how she had made it through that. She said" I decided to get better and not get bitter". I have thought about those words before, but was never able to put it all together. I hope that my life is a reflection of that. I say that not for comments of praise, but only for myself.I feel right now that my life has been suspended. I haven't had any opportunities ,other than this blog, to share about Rachel. I feel like everyone I know has heard it all ....and they have moved on. Obviously I am not talking about my family or my close friends.I just don't have the same feelings that I had. Maybe it is just the time for me to be quiet. I still feel God in a very real way. After I came home from church, I fixed Rachels Easter basket. I grabbed my camera and headed to the cemetery. As soon as I started the car I heard these words on the radio..

"Mama dont you worry about me..

Dont you worry about me".

I don't listen to country music.I don't know this song at all...don't even know why it was on a country station....all I know is that as soon as these words were sang, the sun came out.
I brought my little lamb her little lamb ..

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven’s mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

The best part of waking up

2011-04-14T15:49:00.003-05:00

This morning KK got out of bed and headed for the kitchen table (as they always do on school mornings). She sat in silence waiting for her breakfast. I sat her food down and she looked up at me and said " Trust in the Lord with all your heart proverbs 3:5". I was so stunned I said "what"??????? She said it again " Trust in the Lord with all your heart".. What a great way to start the day. I asked her what made her think about that. She said she read it on my marker board last night at church. Our lesson had been about trusting God ..with ALL our heart. Evidently she listened. Maybe a Bible verse should be the first thing that comes out of our mouth in the morning. Maybe that could be a challenge??? What would your verse be IF you decided to take the challenge?????

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens. psalm 68:19

Light up the sky

2011-04-13T06:21:00.006-05:00

KK came running in my room last night about 7:30 telling me I had to come outside because the sky was my favorite color.She was so excited. She said she was singing and all the sudden it turned pink.It was beautiful . KK said it looked like pink and blue cotton candy...she was right.. She would look at the sky and then look at me...really hard in my eyes to see if I was going to cry. I wanted to so bad..The sky was amazing..oh my sweet child ...she wanted me to see it..but did not want to be the cause of my tears..I held it in...for her. We stood there for a while and just drank it all in. She noticed how one side of the sky was pink and it even made the trees glow. I explained to her that it was because of the light from the sun, and how it made everything beautiful. Just like how Jesus,Gods SON, does the same for us. So we came in and I was getting her ready to take a bath. She said out of the blue " I'm not going to college". I asked her why? She said" I'm smart enough already". I told her that we would worry about that later. I already knew what this talk was really about. She came to me again and said " I don't want to go off to college". I told her she didn't have to go OFF, she could go right here to school.
"I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE TO SCHOOL"....I knew it. For an 8 year old..she has such a connection to Rachel , and is so aware of how Everything relates. I told her I knew what she was saying. Now she was the one who was holding in the flood of tears. I thought her eyes would explode. I hugged her for a long time..and told her not to worry about anything . I told her I would drive her anywhere she wanted to go. Let's just finish the 2nd grade...lets only worry about getting through today..
The sun is back up this morning.The birds are singing.. "Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning".

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go
The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home
When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

Light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

Vision of love

2011-04-10T22:02:00.004-05:00

I have several friends on facebook that are also on the same path I am on. I see their beautiful pictures of the white crosses and flowers that mark the place where their precious children left this earth. I have chosen to not place anything at the place where Rachels wreck was. The main reason being that her little sisters do not know that is was right at the end of our street. I drive that way at least 4 times a day on school days. I know how very tender their hearts are, and I just don't want to add to their sadness. I have said before that people that experience such a great loss see with different eyes. When I leave my house and get to the end of my road , where most people look and see just a telephone pole..
My tear cleansed eyes help me see
the cross that gives life..eternally.
angel wings that set her free...and
One perfect white calla lily..

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

A few verses later, in 2 Corinthians 5:6-7, Paul says:

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight.

I fix my eyes on what is unseen...

Ridin the wave

2011-04-07T06:29:00.005-05:00

I have been trying to get over the last part of the 2nd cold I have had. I am sick of being sick.I am sick of coughing and having a headache. This is why I haven't posted . I knew I would be to grumpy. ...There is still no word on Betty Boop. I am not good with waiting . I just need them to tell me she is ok.
KK has been missing Rach a lot. She woke up yesterday with her on her mind. I took her after school to the store for a new shirt. Not because she was sad, because when you are "class favorite" you need to look nice for your photo. KK walked right up to a shirt with Minnie Mouse on it. I tried to steer her towards something else..her words were " but this reminds me of Rachel". Rachel loved minnie mouse when she was little.She called her Pinnie mouse.. Ok...you get the shirt...As soon as we all get home, KK says "show my shirt to Kennedy". As soon as Kennedy sees it, her face just falls. She turned to walk out of the room and I grabbed her in the hall. "I just miss her so much"she said.. When it hits...it hits...We will never be " over it" because we will never stop loving Rach.It seems to come in waves. Some days I can smile through the memory..and some days..I just need more than a memory.

Philippians 4:6-7 says…

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The peace of God will guard your hearts and your minds..WOW.. I don't think I have heard that verse as clear as I have just now when I typed it.The peace of God... That sounds pretty good to me !

My poor Betty

2011-04-01T05:57:00.005-05:00

I have spent all of this week trying to figure out what is wrong with KK's sweet little Betty Boop. All of the sudden, she started having these "episodes", or seizure type things. They are horrific to watch. It is not epilepsy. The first vet took my money , gave me no answers, and annoyed me greatly. After Betty had back to back seizures, I contacted my sweet friend Melissa who has several small breed dogs.She called her vet and got me right in.The timing of her call was so perfect..I guess I should say..God's timing. She drove over to the vet with me and helped me get checked in with them. And started the prayers for Bettys weary mom....What a difference it made. We still do not have a definite answer.But I have faith in this vet. They are giving her meds, and sending her blood work off for a better look. All I know is ...I need that little dog fixed. She was KK's reward for doing so good at school this year..not grade wise..emotionally.. The look on her face when she saw her little puppy..I have owned all kinds of dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, hamsters..newts..I have never seen anything like this..I did have enough snap to grab my camera and make a video of her last "seizure" to show the vet. I know some people will say...its just a dog... well ...this is me sticking my tongue out at you ....U...... that little dog changed more than just KK... I am hoping that today is better.That she is better. Some of the things they are testing for....there is no cure and the recommendation is euthanasia...I think you all know what to pray for now..
" A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal,
but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel." prov. 12:10

Walking the walk

2011-03-28T06:25:00.004-05:00

This past Saturday was probably one of the longest days I have had in a while. It was "pageant" day. I struggled to find the right hair do for Kennedy to wear. I was feeling a lot of pressure, because I wanted her to have a chance at placing this year. I never say WIN...just place... any place.. I have already shared how hard this one is because of her dress..Rach stayed on my mind all day, and night. Later in the afternoon as we were taking our last break before leaving, we sat to watch a little tv and just relax..What came on???? Napoleon Dynamite...if you know Rach...you know how much she loved that movie..we all knew what we were watching. It was a much needed laugh, and a connection. Then it was time to go.I was so proud of how Kennedy carried herself the whole night. She never said a mean comment, or judged any ones dress or appearance. I could hear and see it all around me...I must confess that I even had a thought or two...but Kennedy had nothing but positive things to say about everyone. I hope that can stay with her through her teen years. Well, somehow it all came together...the hair,the dress,the makeup, and the smile

She looked so beautiful. There were 10 beautiful girls in her category. She took her turn on the stage and her true beauty shone thru.....

SHE GOT 1ST RUNNER UP !!!! I was hiding backstage when they called the names..I of course cried.I was so happy for her. It was some stiff competition. The little girl that won looked like she was at least 16...thats all I'm gonna say...It was a great night.
After the pageant, we all went out to eat.

I was so tired from the day, and from the stress, but it was a nice end to a very long day. When the waitress came to the table to take our order, my eyes immediately went to her name tag..It said....

RACHEL

All I could hear in my mind was...of course her name is Rachel.....It was like she was saying.."I'm here too"... I held in my tears until we got into the dark car to come home..I am so grateful for my "God winks", or whatever it is you want to call them...(just don't say coincidence) .. It is just a reminder from Him that I am on the right path...even tho I might be in the valley.... "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me"...David never said walk AROUND or OVER the valley ..I have to walk through it..and these God winks remind me ...I am not alone.

So long socks

2011-03-23T11:37:00.003-05:00

I am so thankful that spring is here.The sunshine, the birds, the flowers...its all back. As I was folding my laundry this morning, I was reminded of the thing I will miss the most about cooler weather....wearing these socks..

I have worn these socks as often as I can since they were purchased. They WERE a 4 pack..Rachel is wearing the striped pair. I wear mine no matter what color shirt or pants I have on..They are the perfect socks to wear with boots. I see them every time I open my drawer, and I absolutely love wearing them (as you can tell).If it is a special occasion..they are my "special socks"..If i just need to feel an extra connection to her that day...I go to the socks.. I will miss them greatly for these next few months..I'm sure there will be days when I will "boot up" and wear them...but for now..
"My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare"
psalm 25:15

The green dress

2011-03-20T20:24:00.003-05:00

It is beauty pageant time again. yay!!!! Kennedy has done this particular pageant since she was in kindergarten. She loves doing it, so we allow her to be in it as long as she is ok with not winning. Last years dress was beautiful, and Kennedy loved it because it reminded her of Rach. This year is so much more than that...she has fallen in love with a green dress that her aunt Kim had and said would be beautiful on her. It is almost the same green as Rachs dress..just a little darker.As I was lacing up the corset back, I was instantly brought back to the dressing room when Rach first tried her dress on. The look on her face when she saw herself in the mirror...I will never forget. You just know when it is THE dress. Rach knew. As you can tell from every photo of her in that dress, she loved it.And then all the memories of September came flooding in.... I had tried to steer Kennedy towards a different dress, for my sake, but she loves this one . I asked very discreetly why she liked it.She said it was comfortable, and she liked the color. I was waiting for her to say it looked like Rachs dress..I will once again pull up my big girl pants and do what I need to do ....but it won't be easy. I still have a piece of Rachels dress. It is a small square of fabric with beading on it. I had to take it out after trying on "the dress" so I could remember exactly what Rachs looked like. I think its time to turn it into something. I have had it hidden away in a drawer , not knowing what to do with it. I don't want a pillow. I think I will just frame it ,somehow..
Tonight I am struggling for words. I miss my Rachel greatly, and so many others have shared with me this week how much they miss her too. I am glad to know that they still hold her so close in their heart. And I also know that God is still here with me. " Moses told the Israelites in Deut.4:9 to "only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live" I might not be following a cloud ,or a pillar of fire ,or eating manna...but God has done some amazing things for me on my journey...I try to think on those things, but some days ....a lot of days.....no matter how hard I try...you just can't stop the "love" from flowing....that's what I tell the little girls...my tears are my love... I am reposting my first post...this video my sister made of Rachel...in her dress...

Covered

2011-03-15T22:13:00.005-05:00

Last Thursday Kennedy was told she had type b flu. I spent the rest of spring break caring for her, and trying to keep everyone else from getting it. So far...so good.She is a really easy sick person, but I am still trying to catch up on everything else.
The other night I walked in my sons room and found Rachels green blanket amongst his covers. I told him he could use it but when he was done with it, it went in the "pretty room". I told him that it was Rachels. He said " well no wonder I slept so good... I had it wrapped around me"..... that made my heart smile .

He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life with the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.

Feeling fancy

2011-03-10T06:39:00.008-06:00

My husband wasn't able to take any time off this year for our spring break.That,however, did not stop me and the girls from going to our favorite place in Texas.....MOODY GARDENS. Thanks to my parents, we have a year long membership... Which makes us VIP's...I know there are risk in traveling that way, but I was mentally ready, and really needed to do it for myself. We went to Kemah first and ate in the Aquarium restaurant( us and 8 other people).Everyone else has spring break next week, so everything was pretty empty. We got to sit right by the huge aquarium .KK said she felt so "fancy"..Our new phrase to overuse...fancy..being fancy..We also fed the stingrays while we were there...AWESOME.. We went on to Galveston and stayed at the luxurious Moody Gardens Hotel..once again ..off season...We had a wonderful 3 days. We swam, ate a ton of food,

We wore our fancy hotel robes everywhere, and just enjoyed ourselves. Every time we got in the car we heard Bohemian Rhapsody...seriously..everytime...that was Rachs signature song..I saw or heard glimpses of her in everything we did. The girls chatted about her constantly..the sunsets were breathtaking...so many little things too,but what struck me the most was on the last day there,while we were waiting in line to do the 4 d movie there was a group of young girls standing by us. They were laughing and being silly. I of course thought of Rach ..but then this one girl was right in the other ones face and very loudly says " oh my gosh you look so much like Rachel....you remind me so much of Rachel"...and then they all were like " oh my gosh she does...oh my gosh..." and then they all stop and just like at me..I guess because I was staring at them..but I wanted to say..I heard you...I know ...I saw her with her hair pulled back in a headband..with a side pony tail...with bobby pins holding up the sides...with her LAMAR hoodie on...and her huge baggy purse...and weird colored tennis shoes...yea...I saw her... I don't go around with my mind set on "finding" things that remind me of Rachel.In fact it is when I am least looking for them that they appear...I guess what I am trying to say is ..It is when I am living that I find HER life the most in my life. That is what I think this week was telling me..L I V E...it is ok to live.

"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him."
Daniel 2:20-22

I truly do carry her heart in my heart.

Chillin

2011-03-05T20:10:00.003-06:00

So here we are again at Spring Break .Today it was rainy and cold..not what you want for spring break. Everyone at my house is missing Rachel greatly. I had a dream the other night that she was in.This is only the second time I have dreamed about her . I don't really remember this dream, or what it all was about..I just remember her. It was almost like clips of dreams, and she would just be there in it..laughing , smiling ...just there.I remember her hair.Her hair was so incredibly long.And when I spoke to her, it was with the understanding that I hadn't seen her in a while." Wow , your hair is so long now." I remember touching her hair. It was so real.There was also no sadness.No crying. No feeling bad. It was all laughing and , well, it was joyful. It seemed like it lasted all night. I tried so hard to remember all of it, but I couldn't. There was no plot, no story line, just Rach. I think I will call it " the dream of awesomeness", only because it sounds like something she would say. I also think she would love to have the phrase "chillin with Jesus" added to her facebook status. You can feel free to make a face...but I know she would love it. I miss her so much. I miss laughing and just being around her. I have been having days where the words just don't come. I feel like I write the same thing over and over, so I don't write. It is just part of the journey, the ebb and flow...I don't know which is which.I'm assuming "flow" is smoother...f l o w i n g....or it could mean your angry " kiss my grits"...Only you older people will get that...Whether I'm Ebb or Flo...it is exhausting being me.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength....
my favorite part of the verse..renew...I'm ready..

Whats a Hemi

2011-02-27T22:29:00.003-06:00

A letter of love from my brother, or as Rachel called him "Cooler"....

WHATS A HEMI ?

That is the last question that Rachel asked me late one night just weeks before she left us. We would exchange texts at what others would consider odd times but it worked for us. A lot of things we did would be considered odd by others but it was our “normal”. How many teenage girls do you know that enjoyed going fishing in the middle of the night? Especially with their uncle? And even bring along one of her friends to witness it? I was lucky enough to be considered the cool uncle. You know the type, the one that lets you drive when you are way too young (among other things). She loved to listen to “QUEEN” on our many outings. What many would consider eclectic was our daily routine.

The last time I saw Rachel she had called me late at night and asked me what I was doing. She was great at asking for something without actually asking. She finally said that her car had “just stopped on the side of the road”. When I got to her I found that it was simply a bad battery terminal, got her going again and had her follow me to Wally World for a replacement. At this time in her life she was staying with some friends, trying to find herself. As I was replacing the terminal I asked her how things were going. She simply replied “things will be better when I go home”.

One of Rachels strongest qualities was that of forgiveness. I witnessed her forgive people for things that I would have had problems doing the same. The last time I heard her voice on the phone she spoke of forgiveness.

James 1:17 tells us that “every good and perfect gift comes from above from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning”. Rachel may not have been the perfect daughter, niece, sister, cousin or friend but she was the perfect gift. She touched more lives in her short time here then I could ever hope to. There is an empty spot in my heart because she is gone, but there will always be a spot in my heart that will never be empty because she was here.

As those of us that knew Rachel take our own journey through grief we all have questions of why. I challenge you to not ask why she is gone but rather why were you allowed to witness her while she was here. Don’t ask why she was taken away but what did any of us do to deserve to have had her for even just a second in our life. This is what I do to carry on with my journey. It may not work for you. Even though there are many of us on this journey we must all take our own paths. Psalms 23:4 says “yea I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil”. It is a singular statement. That journey is one that everyone must make alone. There is always support, there is always others involved, there is always God, but in the end it is just you and Him. God is love, and we all know what Rachel thought about LOVE.

What is Love?

2011-02-25T08:16:00.005-06:00

Here is another "love letter".It is from my niece Amber..
the one who gifted me with "Rachels heart"......

Suzette and I were talking on the phone recently, and she mentioned how each of us think that our relationship with Rachel was particularly special. It's so true. I'm one that knows I was particularly blessed to have Rachel in my life. Our relationship was a little different than most cousins. Sometimes I was like a big sister. Sometimes I was a Sunday School teacher. Sometimes I was a camp counselor. Always we were friends.

Rachel loved to laugh and loved to make people laugh. We shared an appreciation for the humor in quite a few SNL sketches, and for whatever reason, since Suzette offered for me to write about love this month, I can't kick the Night at the Roxbury song out of my head.

"What is love?"

Okay so here's what I know. Love is a word that's thrown around a lot these days. People love (luv, lurve, loooooove) things, people, pets, attention, drugs, money, music, reality TV, and on and on and on it goes. Then there is a more romantic, "true love" kind of love that people consider. You know, when you find your soul mate. Prince charming.

God doesn't label love. There aren't sub categories for LOVE in 1 Corinthians 13. It tells us what love is. It tells us what we are or are not if we don't have that love. It's not about works. Not about generosity. Not about faith alone. It's 13 verses, and I know you've probably seen it, but for easy reference, here goes:

¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It makes my heart happy to know that these were Rachel's favorite verses. I think all of us that were involved with her understood her passion for life. We understood that when she said "I love you," they weren't words thrown around. She saw examples of great love in her life, and she experienced the love that surpasses all understanding in her relationship with God.

Here's what I think about love. It, like all things, is a gift from God. Without love, there is no faith. Without love, there cannot be hope. That's why it's the greatest.

That doesn't mean that there will never be trials. I know that God loves Suzette. I know that God loves Rachel. God loves me, and He loves you, too. I know the pain that I experience with random memories, and the feeling I get in my chest, and I cannot even try to imagine how it feels for others. That pain is love. In our loss, there are lessons. Suzette's love for Rachel, her faith, her love, despite grief, loss, and pain has created this place to share what she has learned through love. That's why we all read it. It is amazing to see God's love present even in loss.

Losing Rachel impacted my life in a very big way. There aren't words to even begin to tell about it. Since that September, though, I can tell you that there is now love in every sunrise, because I think of her. There is a new kind of love in Praise and Worship music at church. The words touch me differently than they used to. Rachel's senior picture is on my fridge, so there is love every time I walk in my kitchen. There is love in every memory, even when it hurts. There is love in remembering Wayne's World quotes or someone mentioning the need for more cow bell (I know, but it's true...).

God gives us the ability to really love. To experience true love. If you don't know what that feels like; if you are searching everywhere to find love, and you're finding emptiness, I encourage you to look to God. That's why Suzette has been a pillar of strength for so many. That's why hearts are so powerful to our family. There is so much love in seeing that simple shape. Not because we love perfectly, but because we know that perfect, forgiving, merciful, Agape love is available to us.

We may not be capable of loving perfectly, but in the meantime, I'm happy to know where I can find that perfect love. Really love those around you. Appreciate that God loves us despite our faults. Not just an "i luv u" kind of love, but a perfect, forgiving, selfless, patient love.

Love never fails.

Miracles abound

2011-02-23T13:54:00.000-06:00

Today is my birthday.My husband told me before he left for work that he hoped I had a good day. I am trying to learn the difference between "happy" and "joy".God does not promise to make me happy, but he will restore my joy. Joy is best defined as cheerfulness, or calm delight, both of which I would accept. My gift to myself today was to work in my garden. I had been out there several times raking out leaves, pulling weeds, and trimming off frozen foliage. It was hard for me to be in it because I just couldn't stand seeing it so bare. I had managed to keep several things from freezing, and even had some flowers still blooming, but I just needed it to be like it was. As I was down on my knees pulling every last weed out, I noticed that several of my plants had new leaves...almost overnight...and on of all things my birthday !!

I was so careful to pull the mulch away from the tender little shoots. Part of a Bible verse kept coming to mind “Behold, I make all things new.” As I sat in my garden and looked at theses new little plants I realized that the verse was for me too..ALL things new....God can do that for me too.. things will never be the same, maybe they shouldn't be..but ..they can be new..God can make me new. As I looked up the verse, I loved that it came right behind the verse that I have posted ALWAYS on this blog..Revelation 21

4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
5 Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.”

Creation shows the power of God
There's glory all around,
And those who see must stand in awe,
For miracles abound.

Refrain.
I believe in miracles
I've see a soul set free,
Miraculous the change in one
Redeemed through Calvary;
I've seen the lily push its way
Up through the stubborn sod
I believe in miracles
For I believe in God!

2. I cannot doubt the work of God
It's plain for all to see;
The miracles that He has wrought
Should lead to Calvary.

Refrain.
I believe in miracles
I've see a soul set free,
Miraculous the change in one
Redeemed through Calvary;
I've seen the lily push its way
Up through the stubborn sod
I believe in miracles
For I believe in God!

3. The love of God! O power divine!
'Tis wonderful to see
The miracle of grace performed
Within the heart of me.

Refrain.
I believe in miracles
I've see a soul set free,
Miraculous the change in one
Redeemed through Calvary;
I've seen the lily push its way
Up through the stubborn sod
I believe in miracles
For I believe in God!

Looking passed the veil

2011-02-20T16:52:00.000-06:00

There is a veil of grief that covers me.
It changes the way I see the world,
and everything that surrounds me.
Some days it is light..in color and in weight.
It brightens and enhances everything in my sight.
Then there are those days
when everything
seems to be a shade of grey.
I saw a comment the other day about grief.
It was so honest. It made me want to rip my veil off.
This young girl wrote "I grew up watching my mother live through grief.
I came to resent a brother that I never even knew"....
powerful words.
I try to stay very "present" in the lives of the those in my family.
Some days that means I am sitting in the room with them...breathing...
black veil days..
I have to choose to see
even on the darkest of days..
to see through the black veil ..
We have a sadness that there is no word for..
there is "orphan"
there is "widow"
there is "widower".
but for those of us who wear THIS veil
there is no word..
there are no words..
There is only the promise ...

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. john 11:25

Rachels Heart

2011-02-14T13:33:00.000-06:00

My sweet niece had this heart made in remembrance of Rach. It is a physical reminder of love, comfort and healing. It reminds me of what a blessing Rachel was and is to me.Each part of this heart has a meaning. It symbolizes an intention or blessing:

Rose quartz: for the love we had for each other as well as peace and emotional healing.
Amethyst: for easing of grief.
Emerald: to remind me of all the beautiful memories I have of her.
A single pearl: for faith and motherhood. I WILL ALWAYS BE HER ONE AND ONLY MOTHER.
Moonstone: for all the hopes and dreams I had for her.
Silver: for perseverance and strength as I heal.
Butterfly charm: According to Irish legend, when a mother loses a child, they come to visit them in the form of a white butterfly.
and at the center of it all
Citrine: it represents Rachel, inside my heart and surrounded by all of my love,hope,dreams,faith,and lovely memories.

Is that not beautiful? I keep it where I can always see it.What better day to share it with you than on Valentines Day. And I can think of no better words to go with it than those from our poem.
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

"Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love" psalm 51:1

David knew what I know now...that Gods

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

God bless you

2011-02-08T21:20:00.000-06:00

Monday I was in Hobby Lobby and I found this garden statue..

She is supposed to have wings, they were nowhere to be found. They had one other just like her on the shelf, but her wings were chipped.I decided I liked the one with no wings, I was really just interested in the Calla lilies. I brought her up to the front to see what kind of "deal" they would make on her. The young lady at the check out just couldn't understand why I would want this broken statue. I tried to just stand and smile hoping for a great reduction in the price. I didn't want to tell them WHY I needed it. I didn't want to use my sadness to try to get a bargain.Finally, the price was said, she was wrapped up in paper,and I was ready to go.As I was paying I told the sweet young lady why I needed that statue so bad. I told her that I would probably just turn it into a planter and put it out at my daughters grave. I don't remember seeing someone that I don't even know, be so deeply affected by my words. She wanted to know more but didn't know how to ask ,or if was okay to ask ..her eyes were so full of emotion. She very cautiously asked me what happended and then she asked "how old is your daughter". I was very aware that she didn't put Rachel in the past tense. I told her that she was 19 .She looked hard into my eyes and very slowly said " SHE WAS JUST A BABY". I have heard those words over and over in my head.I don't remember hearing them before.Maybe its just been awhile. Of course I 've heard the words young, too young...teenager...it was just something about the way this young girl spoke them. By now she had at least 5 people in her line waiting. She very slowly finished my transaction, and then walked around the counter and gave me the best hug. Her last words to me were "God bless you". So tonight as I sit and write this, I had typed in the words "God bless you" in the search box just to see what comes up.The first thing I clicked on brought me to this page with a poem and pictures of .....
CALLA LILIES!

Here is the poem. I couldn't copy the photos so I added the link .If you would like to visit it, click on the title. What a great ending to very hard day.

I seek in prayerful words, dear friend,
My heart’s true wish to send you,
That you may know that, far or near,
My loving thoughts attend you.

I cannot find a truer word,
Nor better to address you;
Nor song, nor poem have I heard
Is sweeter than God bless you!

God bless you! So I’ve wished you all
Of brightness life possesses;
For can there any joy at all
Be yours unless God blesses?

God bless you! So I breathe a charm
Lest grief’s dark night oppress you,
For how can sorrow bring you harm
If ’tis God’s way to bless you?

And so, “through all thy days
May shadows touch thee never-”
But this alone – God bless thee-
Then art thou safe forever.

Author Unknown

This side of Heaven

2011-02-06T07:27:00.001-06:00

Since February is the month of "love", I thought I would let some of those closest to Rachel share a love letter with you.This first one is from my sister...

How do you wrap up a life in three days?

That was the question I kept asking myself during the days following Rachel's accident, as I stood beside Suzette and watched her take care of the necessary funeral arrangements. How do you honor this child's life in this moment? If you were there, then you know the care and attention that was given to each and every detail. And, how beautiful it was.

Suzette has given me the opportunity to honor Rachel in my own way by writing a guest post here on Rachel's blog. I think she's either having writers block or feeling sorry for me because of a recent foot injury that has left me stuck at home for a few days. Most likely the latter because I don't think she will ever run out of inspiration to share with us.

I could write pages and pages about my own personal grief, the loss of a young person, the effects on a family, fear, faith, sadness...on and on. Those are all very important and relevant, however I want to share some of the lessons and experiences of grace that have occurred in the past year. All with the intention of honoring Rachel and her memory.

Right about now I'm wishing I had made notes to keep this cohesive, but I didn't, so because this isn't for a grade I'm gonna shoot from the hip and keep it conversational.

One of the first sermons I heard at my church following the accident was titled "How to Recover From Your Worst Day Ever". I wanted to eat it up and roll my eyes all at the same time. How was I going to sit through this? As if, right? One of the talking points of the sermon was about controlling our emotions, to find joy in life even when it's hard. My husband had given me this same pep talk. Man, let me tell you that takes some conscious effort and discipline. And prayer. And when I am being conscious, I see the blessings and that brings a little bit of healing.

A result of this consciousness has been the lessons learned from this experience.
One lesson is that everyone has a story or profound experience that they are carrying with them that effects them every day of their lives. I may not know what it is, but I know it's there.

There are many messages of love woven through Suzette's blog, especially the recurring "Love Never Fails". It's no accident. The relationship between Suzette and Rachel was and is a beautiful example of Agape love. The commitment of forgetting self and giving oneself away to others. Rachel lived that way and it's a beautiful reminder for me as a woman and a mother. Suzette's mothering skills inspire me to love my family unconditionally, which is the pinnacle of love.

Last summer our family vacationed in California for the first time. One of our hikes led us to a very isolated and windy beach near Big Sur, where the ocean throws big tree size pieces of driftwood up on the shore. Campers use this wood to build wooden igloo style shelters in the sand to protect themselves from the elements. Their size is very deceiving..my whole family fit in one:

Burned pieces of campfire wood had been used to write on the inside walls of the huts. We left this:

Her favorite scripture which ends with...."the greatest of these is Love".

We take memories of her everywhere we go. I love knowing these words are there, that her name is there, that someone might read the words and know they are loved.

At my neighborhood grocery store, there is a young girl that works there whose name is Rachel. She spells it the same as Rach did. I go to her line just to say her name.

Sometimes, little special "things" happen when we don't expect it. Suzette has shared some of her experiences here. Last September 17, the one year anniversary of Rachel's accident, I reached into a purse I hadn't carried for a while to find a small silver heart that was part of a flower arrangement from Rachel's funeral. I thought I had lost it. I loved finding it that day.

It's hard to share with someone how much I miss Rachel without going into the "ugly" cry. My many close friends and my husband are so patient and let me get it out. In grief, we sometimes pine for ones we have lost. It feels unresolved. Especially when a young life is lost. People ask me what she was like...I often say she was golden, like something so precious and beautiful that it almost hurts your eyes to look at it, like the picture at the top of this blog.

I loved her like this:

My deepest and truest belief is that one day I will see Rach again in Heaven, and we'll sing and praise God together again. Until then, I have her picture taped to the back of my guitar and I rarely pick it up to play that I don't think about her or sing to her in my heart.

Now...a funny aunt memory:

When Rach was really little...maybe 2 or 3 and was learning to count she would say

"......17, 18, 19, Dentyne!"

I hope that makes you smile.

Thank you Suzette, for letting me share a little of what Rachel means to me. I love you.

Back to her

2011-02-04T18:07:00.000-06:00

We were supposed to be snowed in today. It didn't happen. I have spent the past couple of days thinking about the last time it snowed for Rach. She was so excited.
I love this photo of her.

I found this in my documents file today. I don't even remember writing it.

I spend all day thinking about her.
Every action I take ,every thought I have,
somehow takes me back to her.
Every time I leave my house,
it takes me back to her.
Every time I see the colors of a sunset,
it takes me back to her.
Every time I take a breath,
it takes me back to her.
Somehow I know that it will
always be this way.
But my hope is that one day
when I look at the sky,
or when I look in the mirror,
or when I get to the end of the road,
a tear won't fall.

L O V E

2011-02-02T21:47:00.000-06:00

Well the LOVE month is here. I have discovered many new definitions of what love is. Specifically what a Mothers love is. It seems to keep unfolding,like a rose with its petals curled tight. I can't force it to open...only God knows when its ready to bloom.

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so sweetly,
When in my hands they fade and die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I think I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust in Him for His leading
Each moment of every day.
I will look to him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

(Helen Steiner Rice)

Light up that fire

2011-01-30T20:47:00.000-06:00

Early Friday we grabbed a few groceries, loaded up, and headed to our favorite spot on the lake....My sister n laws lake house. There were not many people to be found, which worked out good for me because that is what I was trying to get away from...people... We went to the spillway and fished.We ate lots of junk food. My husband and the girls built a fire and danced and played.

It was so quiet , and so perfect. Not too cold.Everything was just right. As I fished, I watched the girls playing and I realized how happy everyone seemed. It didn't feel forced. We were just there. I of course had many thoughts of Rachel . How could I not. She was usually with us at the lake. She grew up going to the lake. But this time it felt different. Friday night as we were heading back to the camp after fishing, I could see the sky beginning to change. We pulled into a park so I could try to take a photo .

It was beautiful.Being able to see the colors reflecting in the water makes it twice as lovely. This photo really doesn't capture the true beauty of what I saw, but I can look at the picture and I will remember its majesty. That is something I have gotten really good at over this past year... Looking at pictures...and remembering. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment, being able to BE in the moment, and I forget to take a picture. This weekend was one of those times. I just wanted to watch the girls play. Watch them laugh. Laugh with them without having to force myself to, or feel guilty for doing it. We are so far from being "back to normal". That will probably never be for us.But we are slowy putting the pieces of our life back together.
As we sat around the fire this Patty Griffin song was playing very loudly in my mind.
I have listened to it many times . I even have played it on a guitar and sang it with my sister...but that night..I heard it ..

"Crying Over"

Light it up, baby, light up that fire
I don't know what's gonna save me from the cold now
And these sorrows I'm crying over
And these sorrows I'm crying over

Embrace me, embrace me with your kind love
It's all I've ever wanted, all I've ever dreamed of
And all of this dreaming of silver and gold
Is something to break this winter so cold
And these sorrows I'm crying over
And these sorrows I'm crying over

We go straight for the thunder, straight for the rain
Love leaves a mark and love leaves a strain
Back in the saddle again and again
Millions of eyes and none of them friends

You better light it up, baby, you better light up that fire
Cause I don't know what's gonna save me from the cold now
From these sorrows I'm crying over
From these sorrows I'm crying over
From these sorrows I'm crying over
Crying over

I didn't make this video. It is the only of of her singing the song I could find.Reading the words, and then hearing Patty sing them...it makes a huge difference

Tears of glass

2011-01-27T21:43:00.000-06:00

This week has brought me very high, and very low. There were too many phone calls for "Rachel"..one from a university advisor.Please take her name of the list...please. It was either in the mail, on the phone, or in the store. Constant reminders of what won't be.
There were breath taking moments this week too. I swear I smelled her ...so clearly..and I wasn't even thinking about her.I was just walking through the house..and walked into a wall of her.

I wrote this song/poem. It's a little darker than usual, but it is real.(I repeat...it is just a song) I don't cry as much as I used to. I guess I should say for as long as I used to. I still cry..sometimes every day..just for not as long. I cried so much I started to hate the way it felt on my face.

Tears of glass cut through my pain.
They're falling on my face like rain.
I'd said goodbye to you before
I didn't know there would be no more

I keep on looking through the glass.
But I cant stop thinking about the past.
The deepest cuts are from regret
And answers I will never get.

Shattered tears made out of glass.
Tiny slivers of the past.
They cut the pain of losing you;
But not the love I hope you knew.

The cuts will heal, but not my heart;
Its broken in too many parts.
Silent screams can shatter glass
Into broken pieces of the past.

These boots were made for walking

2011-01-24T08:42:00.000-06:00

As I was preparing to lead my last Bible study class, I was wanting to bring it back ,full circle, from where we had started...with my baggage. I had learned so much, and wanted to really demonstrate what God had helped me to understand. I studied for a while, and then I got in my car and headed to town. As soon as I put my radio on my favorite Christian station, I heard the last part of a verse that Beth had been talking about. It was perfect for what I was wanting to do. The verse was about Saul.In 1 Samuel chapter 10, after Samuel had privately anointed Saul as king,he was to bring him out publicly.Samuel had all the people come forward by tribes.But when it came time for Saul they couldn't find him.This guy, who the Lord had anointed as ruler, who was a head taller than others, and considered handsome..HAD HIDDEN HIMSELF IN THE BAGGAGE. I can't tell you how hard that hit me.(metaphorically). God tells us we can do something, but we are so caught up in what we've done wrong, or what we think makes us unworthy,and we hide in OUR baggage. I told the ladies this story.I told them that I was not going to believe that bag of lies anymore. I was not going to even go back and take our papers out that we had wrote all our "baggage" on. I was just going to throw it all ,suitcase and all, in the dumpster.Garbage...thats what it was. I don't have to carry all of that around, and I don't have to hide behind it."There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death." I also traded in my cinder block shoes that had been weighing me down.

The first time I saw these boots, I knew I needed to have them. This year for Christmas my parents got them for me. They remind me of every song and verse I know that tells me " He lovingly guardeth my footsteps....each step I take the Savior goes before me..You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping..and if I start feeling down they remind me to look up..
"My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you"
The funny part is, Rachel was scared of cowboy guys..She was home one day and some men who were working on the road knocked on the door. It startled Rach so she called me. She said " some scary men in cowboy boots and Wranglers are knocking on the door". Of all types of people to be afraid of... it ain't cowboys..this gave me and her uncle a lot of laughs. I think she would give me a pass on the boots. Only because ....I don't wear Wranglers.

A Song For My Heart

2011-01-21T08:00:00.000-06:00

Wednesday was the last night of the Beth Moore Bible study. That six weeks went by so fast for me.I really enjoyed being able to fellowship with the ladies, and hear honest testimonies.Every week it amazed me how God used the lessons to speak so clearly to me. Some weeks they were even too personal for me to write about(if you can believe that). The last weeks lesson, we talked about psalmist and how we pictured them at first in our minds.Maybe like a shepherd with a harp, or a lamb. But now we realize that their life is just like ours, and our pleas are the same. Psalm 134 says "Now praise the Lord all you servants of the Lord who stand in the Lords house at night! Lift up your hands in the holy place and praise the Lord." That Psalm was for the night of the feast. It made me think about ALL the nights after losing Rachel ,that I would lay awake in the bed listening to music. Job 35 verse 9 and 10 say “People cry out under a load of oppression; they plead for relief from the arm of the powerful. But no one says, ‘Where is God my Maker, who gives songs in the night." God didn't just give me 1 song. He gave me many.Some I wrote, and some were from others, but the words comforted me so much. Only days after the funeral, God put a song in my heart. Not just a song, but The song to help me be able to say goodbye. The clearest and deepest words came from the darkest nights of my life.My God song...

Oh beautiful one
Who came from my dreams
You didnt stay long
You were needed its seems.
Youve gone to a place
Where no pain is known
Angel gather your wings
He's calling you home.

Fly home,my beauty fly home.
So softly you came.
Too quickly your gone.
Your hearts still with me,
So your love will live in.
In my dreams you'll be,
My beauty fly home.

Oh beautiful one
Forever youll be.
Your heart will live on
I know your with me.
Youve gone to a place
Where no pain is known.
Angel gather your wings
He's calling you home.

(My niece ,Amber, found these "angel wings" in May 2010.)

Another piece of her heart

2011-01-17T18:06:00.000-06:00

Here is another entry that was in Rachels journal,

Why do appearances count for so much now? It practically defines who you are and who you can become. If you're "good looking" you are going to succeed. If you are "ugly" you have to work 10 times harder. Well that's what our society says.I saw a book in the library and its title was A SIZE 12 IS NOT FAT. Statistically, the average American woman is a size 12. That's not what the media puts out there. Size 6 or smaller. That's ridiculous.Eat a freakin twinkie and shut it.And we're back to over analyzing.Especially on dating. Its a high school relationship.It won't last anyway but we base so much of our life and time in them. If you're single, there must be something wrong with you. We automatically think "no boys like me...I must be fat,ugly worthless loser." wrong...There's a great guy out there handcrafted for moi and no one else. I just need patience to wait for God to send him to me.Good things come to those who wait upon upon the Lord..isn't that a scripture??? I'll have to look that up later. Never settle for a guy either.Don't compromise anything.It's not worth it. Just because he's great looking on the outside, doesn't mean his inside is so great.I'm putting this (just in case) for future references. I'm making a list of what I want in a guy:
cool hair
green eyes
over 5'8 -taller than me
average build
he has to be musically inclined
guitar player
CHRISTIAN
funny
mature
listener
can be serious
a thinker
practices personal hygiene
goal oriented
respectful towards my beliefs
loves his mommy
humble
no drinking,partying or drugs
no smokers
no facial piercings
no gauging
no makeup..no eyeliner..nasty
I basically want him to be perfectly compatible personality wise.He needs to be good at advice too, because I'm always the listener and guide. I want someone to take 2 minutes to hear me out for once. I want him to get me...completely.There is so much more I could list..but I'll save it.

here is the verse she was quoting...
Lamentations 3:25 (King James Version)

25The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

" I'm always the listener and the guide" All of her friends said the same thing about her . That she was always there for them. How great to know your gift at such a young age, and be able to touch so many. Rachel was a beautiful girl, but she never thought of herself as the BEAUTY. I think that is why it was so easy to be around her . A lot of her friends said that too. As I read her entries, I can hear her words in my head. I can see her hands flailing all around.
I'm always the listener....all you single friends of hers..I hope you're listening .

A piece of her heart

2011-01-13T09:37:00.000-06:00

I thought I would share with you a few entries from Rachels "heart". I was going to just scan them in, but her handwriting is hard to read at times. She could not keep up with how fast her words were coming.

Feb 19, 2007

Dear diary...would you call this a diary? A journal possibly? a small notebook that I'll write thoughts that matter to no one? Well, whatever its called, I'm addressing it and filling it with what I think. At this moment it seems quite pointless because I am going to be the only person reading this. As if someone will find it years from now , read it and find my life so fascinating that they publish it and it becomes a best seller. I doubt it. It will just be a form of mild entertainment. .....no it won't. Like I'll even have it years from now. Anyways, what does one write in a diary-book-thing in the first place? This will not be a slam book ! Why put people down in a book only you read? Would someone really have that bad of self issues that putting a cruel remark down on paper where they can read it over and over again makes them feel better about themselves? I don't understand. Calling another girl fat does not make you any thinner. Calling someone ugly does not make you prettier, and calling someone stupid does not make you smarter.Why is it in order to love ourselves we must make someone love themselves less?Seriously, if we know how miserable we feel on the inside, why would we ever want to bring someone to that level? Is it just the bitter satisfaction of knowing we aren't alone in our suffering?I will never comprehend the vast minds of high school girls,actually people in general. The human mind confuses me and frustrates me. So do the upside down hearts on the cover.It just doesn't look right and its at an odd angle ....so I want to fix it. My tv is also crooked. I need to adjust it.

There is so much more I could say , but I will save it for another day. I'm going to work on not over analyzing things and making everything complicated. Things can be what they appear. If I call something pretty it might just mean its pretty. Not everything has an underlying meaning to it. Not everything is a metaphor or symbolism for something else. The world is not a rhyming sonnet from a Shakespearean play.Roses are roses..birds are birds..and a man in a black cloak is just that. It doesn't symbolize death in real life. Its just a creepy cloaked guy. I'm so sick of people trying to make their lives and situations into something its not. Not everything is a stupid after school special. The jock hunk isn't going to fall for the quiet dork. The ugly nerd doesn't get the blonde cheerleader. Its just life. Movies do not depict real life. Its just simply a movie.Real life has only one script. Only one thing that tells you what to do and how to live. Its the Bible..Read it ...Live it..Its your instructions.Study 'em. I'm going to end here...seems like a good stopping point.
Until tomorrow,
Rach

(photo by tammy silvestrini)

Matters of the Heart

2011-01-11T08:16:00.000-06:00

The other day me and Rob(my oldest) were in the pretty room looking through all the things that belonged to Rachel. So many memories crammed on three shelves.I still have 2 boxes of things that I need to go through. One box is her personal stuff, one is mine from the time of the wreck.It is full of cards, things from the funeral...all of it still just sits out there. I don't force myself to do things that I am not ready to do. I don't know what keeps me from being able to do it. I just know ..I can't right now..As we were going through her things, I found this journal I had given to her on Valentines day back in 2007.She had made several entries in it, as a diary. Then she used it as a notebook at a church camp. I had looked through it before, but I was still in the foggy days, so I didn't REALLY look at it, or remember much of it.I read a few things to Rob ,and we laughed. As I was flipping through the pages , I found this....

At that very moment it was exactly what we both needed to see. I can't tell you how much I love finding treasures like this. I want to tear it out and carry it around with me like Linus with his little blanket. For now, I will leave it in its place. I have the image in my mind, and in my heart. HEART HEART HEART...... a heart journal, a heart in her message.....do you get it??????? I do..
" And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "

Precious Memories

2011-01-04T07:59:00.001-06:00

I spent all day yesterday taking Christmas down. I don't know what is harder for me, putting it all up or putting it away. I still have so many of the same decorations that Rachel grew up loving, and hating. I have these little elves that my mother always put out when I was growing up.They creeped Rachel out.She couldn't stand them. I loved to pick at her about them..As I put them in the tree , I could see her rolling her eyes. As I took them down, I had tears in mine. I always do what I call a "kiddie tree". It is full of ornaments that all my kids made. There is even an ornament from when I was in school back in 1972, and a bell my husband made when he was little. I have a tree full of ceramic painted ornaments.Over the years, all of the kids have sat at my kitchen table and painted these for me.These are the ones that Rachel painted over the years.

Some are at least 8 years old. I have always been very careful with them when packing them away, but now even more so. It was so hard this year when it came time to put Rachels ornaments on the tree. No one gets to touch them but me. Her name is on the back of the ones she painted. These fifty cent ornaments that shine like gold to me. I can see her sitting at my kitchen table with the little girls painting like she was doing a masterpiece. I hated wrapping them up and putting them away. I know I can get them out and look at them , its just is one of those things that is hard to do. You find yourself wanting and needing to surround yourself with any little part of who you are missing. I hope you had many great moments with your family this Christmas. I also hope that after reading this post, you find a deeper meaning in some things that maybe you overlooked.

What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.
-- Helen Claes

The New Year

2010-12-31T23:23:00.000-06:00

Well since the neighbors spent their entire paycheck on fireworks, I won't be going to bed anytime soon. I have been going back through last December and January's blogs. I was 4 months into my journey. It seems so long ago. It was such a very hard time for me. So many other tragic things had happened. And here we are again...I went to Rachels facebook looking for the first picture she posted for the New Year in 2009. I found this photo.

I have been through her pictures dozens of times, but I don't remember seeing this one. She has her headset on from when she worked at the Channel 12. She loved that job. I always told her she needed to be in FRONT of the camera, not behind it. Look at that beautiful face. When I took her to get her senior pictures made, the lady that was doing her "photo shop magic" told her that she had almost perfect skin. Girls at school would take their finger and rub Rachels face trying to rub her makeup off to see her "real" skin..that was her real skin. Oh how I miss that girl. I only have 2 more days and then the kids will be back in school and the house will be quiet during the day. I am wondering if maybe I should get a part time job. I still have days where I wake up and I am crying before I even have my eyes all the way open. I don't know if having to go somewhere would be a help or a hinderance. 2011....it's officially the new year. I'm not going to make any promises for this year, or any resolutions. I am only going to continue to trust God that He has a plan for me. There is a quote on Rachels facebook that I hear in my head all the time.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

This is my New Years post...

I am the new Year.I am an unspoiled page in your book of time.

I am your next chance at the art of living. I am your opportunity to practice what you have learned about life during the last twelve months.

All that you sought and didn’t find is hidden in me, waiting for you to search it but with more determination.

All the good that you tried for and didn’t achieve is mine to grant when you have fewer conflicting desires.

All that you dreamed but didn’t dare to do, all that you hoped but did not will, all the faith that you claimed but did not have—these slumber lightly, waiting to be awakened by the touch of a strong purpose.

I am your opportunity to renew your allegiance to Him who said, "Behold, I make all things new."

2010-12-30T19:14:00.000-06:00

One of the first things I heard on the t.v. this morning was about a really bad wreck last night involving 2 trucks right down the road from where Rachels wreck was. My son drives a truck, and he drives that stretch of road a lot. I kept telling myself if it was him, someone would have came to my house..my guts kept telling me something was up.I texted Rob and asked where he was..He called me immediately. It was two of his good friends in the wreck. One was ejected from the truck. One of my friends from church..her husband ..was the first one on the scene. He pulled Robs other friend out of the truck, and 30 seconds later it was engulfed in flames. A young boy, too young, was driving drunk and ran a red light and hit them. My heart has been in my throat all day. My son could have very easily been with those boys. He showed me the text on his phone where he had been talking to one of the boys right before the accident. My son told them to be careful.. I have been frozen today by this news.It has consumed my thoughts, and kept me from doing even the simplest of things. I have thought about Rachels wreck constantly. I am thankful that I did not have to endure the pain that these families are struggling with.My baby did not suffer.I thank God for that all the time. He was so good to me .He made sure that I knew that Rachel knew how much I loved her before she went home.It was not left unsaid.She knew the very words that are the inspiration for the title of this blog. Carrying her heart is not a burden, it is an honor and a priviledge... And I am honored that you come and sit with me, and read my words.
yes ,I have posted a lot of lyrics to songs lately..God speaks to me often through the words of a song..(remember he gave me a song right before Rachels wreck).

Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

When it's all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

please pray for Drew and Trey..and have a safe New Years Eve.

Wet Wednesday

2010-12-29T22:28:00.000-06:00

It was all for me. We had an awful downpour tonight that kept most of my class(and the rest of our congregation) from coming to church. I did share very honestly how the lesson had spoke to me, and we had a very good discussion time. But I feel in my heart that this week was just for me. One of the other ladies shared a very hard time she was going through right now and how she had done one of the exercises in our book before she had read about it. She had prayed for a hedge of protection for a member of her family. Another lady stated how God's timing is always so perfect. This study had been written years ago, but right now it is meeting our needs. I am really enjoying spending time with women in the church that I rarely get to see. Part of me was relieved that class was small, and part of me was disappointed . I just want the ladies , and everyone else, to know NOW what I know. Don't wait until you are in deep despair to cry out to Jesus. Cry out now, and have the peace of knowing that no matter what comes, He's gonna be right there, He's gonna take care of you, its gonna be OK.

"There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary
And love for the broken hearts
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are"

Cry out to Jesus
I love this song..

My Ascent

2010-12-28T09:57:00.000-06:00

I gathered my books last night to study for my Beth Moore class. She tells us to take our places on our faces before we start. I did. There are times when I feel that I can't get low enough to pray. I asked God to show me what he wanted me to hear.To really open my eyes. As soon as I started reading this weeks lesson, I knew it was going to be hard. I had said in the beginning if this class was only for me, then I was willing to lead it. This lesson was written for me. It read like it was written TO me. I struggled to keep reading it, but I knew that I needed to. I could hear part of myself saying, stop...just stop..someone else can do it.But I know that God's timing is always right. I kept reading, and I kept studying. The first part that I read that signaled "trouble" for me was in the Leader guide, number 5 ...I'll type it verbatim for you..
5. Invite other women to share a story if they chose to do so.Then ask for other circumstances when women may despair because of difficult situations(such as loss of spouse , child, .... this is where I lost it.
I wonder who I could ask to share??? Really? Was this really what was going to happen? I've said it all.They all know my story.This is what flooded my mind. I sat the book down and told myself I couldn't do it. And then I picked up the study book and just started reading.
The lesson was on Psalm 125.
A song of ascents.
1 Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
2 As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the LORD surrounds his people
both now and forevermore.

3 The scepter of the wicked will not remain
over the land allotted to the righteous,
for then the righteous might use
their hands to do evil.

4 LORD, do good to those who are good,
to those who are upright in heart.
5 But those who turn to crooked ways
the LORD will banish with the evildoers.

Peace be on Israel.

We take them verse by verse and come to a deeper understanding of each line.The question was " how can we say God has been good to us when He has allowed us to encounter trouble and sorrow.? and here is what I read in the study book.....
" What about when something deadly happens such as when we lost loved ones who loved God? Where was God's surrounding presence then? That's where the ultimate trust enters in. If we believe God's words are true,when tragedy strikes we've got to believe God has us so tightly interwoven in His care that we are instantaneously swept to Heaven.God never more closely surrounds us that when He lifts us to His breast and carries us home......." INSTANTANEOUSLY......the one word I needed to hear , the only word I remember on the autopsy report...this part has tortured me more that anyone has ever or will ever know. I went through a season of hearing her scream MOM and hearing the sound of the crash.. I even wrote a song about it..and then God took that pain away from me. Given everything that I know from that day, I have no doubt that this sentence is true for me. Wednesday will be here sooner that I would like. There will be no cute "story" to go together with our lesson.There will just be me.
The next part of the study went to Psalm 126 Psalm 126
A song of ascents.
1 When the LORD restored the fortunes of[a] Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.[b]
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes,[c] LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.

the last 2 verses are my favorites.
This lesson is for me. The last words of the book that I read were
" On this mysterious pilgrimage we will find that when we do meet difficulties and sorrows,they were not meant to stop us but to form the character required for our great harvest in the coming season. STEP INTO YOUR FUTURE,PRECIOUS ONE. SOMETHING WONDERFUL AWAITS YOU.

Wonderful Wednesday awaits....

Looking Through The Glass

2010-12-25T20:14:00.000-06:00

I've spent the past couple of days shopping REALLY hard trying to piece together a Christmas for the kids. Robin and Dakota really never presented much of a list this year, but I did want Christmas to be special for them . I didn't enjoy shopping this year at all. Everything reminded me of Rach.Things in the store, music on the radio, and way too many young girls her age everywhere I went. They looked like her, they dressed like her..it was hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing because I just wanted to watch them..I wanted to hear their conversations...I wanted to know what they wanted for Christmas.. For some reason ,this Christmas seemed harder for all of us than last year. The little girls seemed to be ok, which eases my pain a little. I just don't see things ever being any different than they are for me. Being around others at parties, seeing all the Christmas stuff everywhere, it almost feels like I'm holding a beautiful snow globe with the perfect Christmas scene in it. I can see it, I can hear it...I can be right there by it...but I can't be a part of it.I can't be all the way in it..it is there, it is going on..and I'm going on too...going through the motions, wanting it all to be wonderful for the kids..and all the while I'm thinking of Rach..I have every picture of every time I took her to see Santa.. the images kept rolling through my head . Every thing we did, I could see her doing it...opening presents...fixing her plate..she loved parties so much...coming in the living room on Christmas morning(sniffing constantly)...her hair a big mess...People say that it gets easier...for others I see that is has..I just don't see it being any different for me. I will always miss her greatly...I will always love her..and I will always think of her...maybe I will find way to make the other parts of Christmas easier, but this will just be how my life is. There were small glimpses of the Holiday that I was able to enjoy, and then there were those moments when I would just sit and silently scream because the pain of missing her was so great.Tonight was the last night for the Christmas lights that we go and see at the church by our house.We have went several times this year..and I'm pretty sure that at some point,I cried every time...While we were there tonight they played the song "Mary did you know"..Kaitlin was standing up behind me in the car and she said I'm gonna sing this one for ya'll.The child has no idea how well she sings. It reminded me of Rach singing..it was beautiful..(even the words she got wrong)..I am hoping this coming week to be able to just be still. I haven't done much of that lately.

Psalm 46:10 / Zec. 2:13
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the prince of Peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still
Be speechless
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of
His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still
Be still

I Ain't Scared

2010-12-22T07:46:00.000-06:00

I purposely left part of my live nativity post out. I didn't want it to get lost in my tired ramblings. I do all the things that I do at my church in hopes that it will stay with these kids , stay deep in their hearts and that they will have these memories to help them through Christmas' to come.I want them to know the true meaning of Christmas.I remember every Christmas how we would go to this mans house in town and look at his HUGE nativity that he set out every year. I remember looking up in his tree and seeing these beautiful angels flying. It was just all so beautiful.Even now I can see it like it was just last year.... How could a little girl ever forget riding in on a donkey?.That is something that those kids and their grandpaw will be able to talk about for years to come( he had the donkey and the sheep)..After every practice I would gather the kids together and we would pray for our program. I want also want them to grow in their prayer life. Well,Sunday night as I was running around like I was the chicken, my little KK came up to me and said " I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE , ME AND KHLOIE PRAYED.....TWICE"....number one , I didn't realize she was scared...she and her friend were the first to go out in the program...I was going to gather everyone to pray, I just was finishing a few last minute things..to me this was the best part of the night. Oh that we all could say those words..I'm not scared ...I prayed... twice..maybe that is how I will start my day..

How silently, how silently, the wondrous Gift is giv'n;
So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of His Heav'n.
No ear may hear His coming, but in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in.

O holy Child of Bethlehem, descend to us, we pray;
Cast out our sin, and enter in, be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels the great glad tidings tell;
O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!

From "O Little Town of Bethlehem," by Philip Brooks

A Baby Changes Everything

2010-12-19T20:58:00.000-06:00

I said last week that the week was a blur..it was slow motion compared to this past week. Kennedy came down with this awful stomach virus that is going around and kept it until Saturday morning, so that meant I had to be home with her.That also meant no shopping, no getting ready for our live nativity at Church...plus other kids getting sick and dropping out of the program..and everything I tried to do turned in to a big pile of poo...but ..somehow..it all came together..at 6:00 pm...right when it was supposed to start..The chicken was great.The goat did his part perfectly.The donkey didn't be what his other name is..and the kids were terrific. There were no speaking parts,they just did a dramatic reenactment, and we played handbells to songs that told the story of Jesus's birth, the little baby who changed life. It has been said that when a wrong wants righting, or a truth wants presenting, or a continent wants opening, God sends a baby into the world to do it. People may think that the course of the world is ultimately determined by big battalions or decisive battles , but all the while God is setting it, quietly, in littleness and in weakness, through the birth of a child. I know my life has been changed greatly by His birth, and by the birth of my own children.... Little did I know what that sweet little girl that so quietly came into my life on November 1, 1989 would do for me, and so many others....

My whole life has turned around
I was lost but now I'm found
A baby changes everything.

Sunday Night Singing

2010-12-12T21:43:00.000-06:00

Between Christmas shopping and all of my Church obligations, this past week has been a blur.Our praise band played tonight during the evening service. I played the drums and even sang a solo. I sang a song called Heavens Child. I had sang it before at the church my husband and his family go to. I was more nervous singing tonight than I was when I sang on Rachs birthday..we had many obstacles to overcome to be able to even perform..everyone was so busy so practicing was almost impossible..it just seemed like every part of what we were doing was coming "undone"..the night turned out to be wonderful. I really enjoy playing. I was also part of a trio that sang Emmanuel. We did it acapella. That was the closing song. Nervous...much!!!!! It came together really well. I had one person tell me it brought a tear to their eye.( from this person that was HUGE). We also had someone request us to sing it again Sunday morning..Inside I was thinking about how very hard it was just to do it tonight..all during our practices we could never get the ending right. God can do amazing things. The fact that I am able to stand and sing alone is amazing. I know people don't understand, and there is no way for them to make them understand. Sometimes when I hear myself in the speaker, I can hardly believe it's me singing.I just know that I have been given a voice.Not a perfect voice, but a voice to sing with, and to tell my story with. And as long as God is giving me the ability to do it, I'm going to keep on doing it. There are days when I still feel the same overwhelming sadness. But even on those dark and sad days I still know that when I see the sun shining again it will be brighter than ever...it always is. If you've never been through anything that split your heart so wide open and paralyzed your every thought, then you have the luxury of only imagining what I am talking about. My pain has been immeasurable..but so has my God's love for me. Here are the words to my song. If you would rather hear it, there is a video. Heavens child..

She rocked her tiny baby
To warm him from the cold
Hardly what she pictured
In the prophecies of old
It seemed almost impossible
To think it could be true
But as she pondered in her heart
She knew

Chorus1
This was heaven's child
This was heaven's child
In an earthen stable
Wrapped in Glory, meek and mild
Joseph wept with wonder
As Mary sweetly smiled
Because they knew
This was heaven's child

Verse 2
The angels must have missed Him
As they sang Him to sleep
But they marveled at the promises
This baby came to keep
His Father must have felt at once
Great sadness and great joy
As He watched His little baby boy

Chorus1

Bridge
Mary's little baby boy
Was Joseph's pride and joy
Still they wished the world would see
He was so much more

Chorus 2
He was heaven's child
He was heaven's child
In an earthen stable
Wrapped in glory, meek and mild
Joseph wept with wonder
As Mary sweetly smiled
Because they knew
This was heaven's child

Tag
Because they knew
This was heaven's child

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
eph 3:14

LOVE NEVER FAILS

2010-12-05T22:36:00.000-06:00

I decided that it was time to rid my bedroom of some of the stacks of things that I had been clinging to.I was going to sort through papers, books, all the things I have accumulated over the months. I was going to make an office kinda area in the "pretty" room. While I was going through some things I found a Bible. It of course was Rachels.I think she had about 5 Bibles. This one I hadn't seen in a long time.

I picked it up and was flipping through the pages. I was hoping to find a note , or something that was Rachs.I noticed in the front some stickers she had placed inside.

I kept going through the pages wanting so badly to find just one more thing that was hers. There was nothing ...As the days go by , you begin to wish more and more for just one more thing.One more thing that she touched..one more thing that was special to her..one more thing I can touch..I turned the pages to her favorite verse..

I wasn't surprised to see it underlined. I was caught off guard by how she had REALLY emphasized LOVE NEVER FAILS. It was one of those moments that I really do not have the right words for. My mind immediately went to the angel..

When I was ordering the headstone, I struggled (I'm sure you all remember) with what to have written on it.I needed it to be perfect. I remember at the last minute asking them if they could put Love Never Fails on the base..I almost didn't do it..]
When I saw it in underlined in Rachs Bible, it all made sense.I have put LOVE NEVER FAILS on so many things..in so many videos.. It felt like a huge hug from her. Oh I hope you get this..I hope you understand..Maybe unless you've been here you really can't. It is not desperation. It is a deeper understanding. It is knowing that you know that you know..and I know...

LOVE NEVER FAILS

Steppin Up

2010-12-03T19:51:00.000-06:00

This week was extremely busy. I had been asked to lead a Beth Moore bible study "Stepping Up " at our church for ALL the ladies . I said yes without any hesitation. The day I had been asked to lead it , I had spent the morning thinking and praying about that very thing. I LOVE working with the kids, but I had just been feeling that maybe that wasn't all I was supposed to be doing. I just wanted to be sure my insecurities were not keeping me from doing what God wanted me to do. While I was at my seminary class, our Minister of education pulled the Beth Moore book out and was telling me about this new class for all the ladies to attend. I thought he was going to tell me that the preacher and he wanted me to attend it.No he said " we want you to lead it".I said very loudly -NO YOU DON'T.I told him about my morning. I couldn't believe how quickly God had given me an answer..I said yes I would love to do it...quick answer huh? I was nervous about teaching all the women...the older ladies...most of whom I have a very good relationship with. They always encourage me and do whatever I ask them to do if I need help me with the childrens stuff. I just wanted the ladies to be willing to trust me to follow what I was going to lead them to do. I trust God more now than I ever did before. I am confident that if I show up and shut up, He'll take care of the rest..I think the way Beth Moore summed up insecurities is perfect...it is just a form of pride. But the truth is we're not good enough to mess God up...did you get it? I just love that. He doesn't make mistakes. The first night of the class went pretty good.I told myself that if this Bible study makes a difference in only 1 persons life, I will be thrilled....even if that 1 is me..The study is on The Psalms of the Ascent. We talked about "pilgrimage",and being on a journey. I opened the class by sharing my "baggage".I opened my suitcase and pulled out my lactose pills, my heart pills, my allergy meds, and empty candy bags...I have a serious candy addiction....serious...then it got real..I pulled out Rachels letterman jacket..It has her name on the back of it. I told them every day no matter where I was going , I put on my coat of grief..some days it felt lighter , some days heavier , but I put it on everyday. And then I pulled out my black "guilt" t shirt. guilt covered a lot of areas..mommy guilt, wife guilt, doing things I shouldn't have done...etc...and I had some lovely shoes that went with the outfit..cinder blocks.. I chose to carry all that baggage on my journey.I don't have to. It felt really good to be able to pull that jacket out and hear myself say those words and not fall to pieces. I think that just my standing upright in front of them is a great demonstration of God's strength. I pray that their heart and their eyes are open to see what God is doing through me. If this class is only for me..to help in healing me..I can accept that. But I believe that something amazing is going to happen in this class. It has too. Or else it is just another step to get me ready for something.There has to be a reason that I have went through this..there just has to be.

Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have. 2 cor 8:11 -12

Sunday Full of Sadness

2010-11-28T22:36:00.000-06:00

I can't tell you how many times I've comforted Kennedy while her tears flowed ..over the months there was more time in between , but you could look at her face and tell when she was really missing Rachel. KK had more issues with worrying about dying..or needing to be reassured that I would come back from the store if she stayed home.." you'll come back???" she would ask about 15 times.The same with school. She would ask me many times " you'll be here to get me"?????? this school year she has been doing so much better. I've mentioned how she just recently started sharing her "memories" of Rach with us when we are talking. I know how hard all of this is for me to sort out, I can't imagine being about 8 years old and trying to .Tonight we went to church down the street that has a beautiful light display. You sit in your car and listen to music while the lights dance. The girls love it. We had went with Rach in 2008. It is one of those double edged things...I love to go...but it is so hard.. After we got back, Kennedy went out to the pretty room (Rachs room) to read. We walk through that room several times a day.Out of the blue KK comes running in to my bedroom crying and saying " I miss Rachel so much"... just sobbing her little heart out..She had not done that in a long time. I just sat and cried with her and told her how very much I miss her too. I tried to explaing to her that the way she was feeling was how you feel when you lose someone that you love so much.. you're sad..you're a lot of things... I just wanted her to know that whatever she felt it was ok to feel it.. I know she is so aware of my feelings..She's been keeping her eyes in the sky too..She loves to talk about the colors of the sky in the morning...or point out stars.. The other day she sat and made a book out of some of my computer paper...She gave it to me and told me it was a Sad journal..I could write it in when I was having a sad day...I told her there wasn't enough paper in it for me...and gave a little laugh... there is no telling what that little mind and heart are going through..I told her tonight about all my special things I have all through the house..what they mean to me and how it is like having a little bit of Rach with me.. I told her that sometimes my heart hurts so bad because I want to see her...and she shook her head and put her little hand on her heart...I just held her ,wanting to somehow take her pain ....just put it all on me ...please...just put it on me....I thought we were doing so good...we made it through 2 Thanksgivings...the one at my parents house was especially for the kids....weenie roast...smores... it was wonderful...I have a few weeks and then Christmas break will be here.. I hate so much to see how I feel on their little faces... you'd do anything to make them smile...even if it only last a little while...I know it all just takes time...I know we all are in different places...I know it is all gonna be ok.. this just caught me off guard.. As I sit here typing , all I can hear are the words to this song..

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?
Are you tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all those shattered dreams of your life
And at the feet of Jesus, lay them down.

Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams, wounded hearts, and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
And He will turn your sorrows into joy.

He never said you only see sunshine,
He never said there would be no rain.
He only promised a heart full of singing
About the very thing that once brought pain.

Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams, wounded hearts, and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
And He will turn your sorrows into joy

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall" (Malachi 4:2
praying for a better tomorrow

My Thanksgiving Bouquet

2010-11-25T22:31:00.000-06:00

I'm lying in the bed listening to the cold front finally come blowing in. It was way to warm and humid this Thanksgiving day. The only food I cooked today was...bacon. We ate lunch at my in-laws, so I brought Kennedys bacon out there for her to eat. It felt good to get up and not have the pressure of having to get everything ready..for about 15 minutes...then it also felt very empty.It would have been a great distraction. I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought watching a funny movie would help. "Barnyard" was on early.... just in time for the part where the daddy cow dies...(same thing that evening with the Lion King)....I battled my emotions all morning..I knew it was time to go to her garden. I always have to go there before we have any sort of special thing to go to. The first thing I did was walk back to the tree "just in case" I had missed a flower to bring home..I had told myself there would be something out there somewhere...It looked so nice out there today.

My mom had brought this plaque and ferns out . I love what it says.."LOOK AFTER MY HEART, I'VE LEFT IT WITH YOU"....I sat in a different spot today. I sat on a stump that faces the back of the headstone , so I could look see the new things. As I sat there praying, and thanking God for Rach.. I told her how very much I love her..I said I hope you know how much...when I opened my eyes I could see this little patch of clovers. Every leaf was a perfect heart. It was my own little bouquets of hearts.. I looked all over trying to find another patch....there wasn't one anywhere!!! Just this one little patch ...just for me. As soon as I got home I put them in Rachels Bible..on the 1 Corinthians ch 13 page..

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

the greatest of these IS love.....

Beauty Will Rise

2010-11-23T07:43:00.000-06:00

I went to Rachels garden yesterday afternoon.Some days I just feel this urgency to go.Last year on Thanksgiving morning I went and came home with some beautiful flowers. The tree by her had left me these beautiful flowers..no others to be found.What a gift that was.

I had hoped to get some more this year and bring them home earlier.. but this year the tree held nothing for me..I told myself that was OK, I would just go buy some flowers this year....That was good for last year. I told myself God would take care of this one too. I sat down in my usual spot. The angel looked so much bigger this time. I just sat looking at the words on the heart...LOVE NEVER FAILS, and then....in the middle of this pile of dirt.....something caught my eye..

1 little purple flower..the first thing that I heard was " out of these ashes beauty will rise"....BEAUTY will rise... 1 little purple flower...so powerful..so meaningful...so perfect...
Stephen Curtis Chapman knows well the pain of losing a child tragically.
His song ..
my heart...

Lots Of Bacon

2010-11-18T21:23:00.000-06:00

I can't believe in one week I will be facing another Thanksgiving. Last year ....I can remember last years so well. Time has went by so fast this year. I am not dreading the holidays, I honestly don't think there is a word for how I feel. I know that I will ,at some point be sad.....and I know that I will also at some point, smile. Kennedy has requested bacon "and lots of it" for Thanksgiving. We tend to lean towards the non-traditional way of things. Kaitlin wants to "see" the turkey on the table...she just doesn't want to eat it. The candied sweet potatoes were always Rach's favorite. I guess I should say ONE of her favorites.. I can remember her walking into the kitchen and asking " are you making sweet potatoes"??? " you know their my favorite"....like I would forget that one year.... extra buttery...and extra marshmellowy.....I don't know what would be worse....seeing them on the table...or not seeing them on the table... it just feels like there wasn't enough time in between last year and this year...it's all still so fresh in my mind..I can remember going all over town looking for calla lilies. I can remember being at the cemetery . I can remember everyone looking stunned.. I don't think I look the same this year. I don't feel the same. I don't think I will ever feel "normal" again. Maybe I shouldn't..maybe the way I feel now is normal and before I wasn't feeling? Maybe I'm afraid if I let go of what I feel...I let go of Rach.. I don't know how many Thanksgivings it will be before I am ready to do them how we did them in the past. My husband and I both agree that doing it different makes it a little easier.
Nothing will ever be the same..not me...not anything..and thats Ok... I have overcome a lot since last year..I have learned to trust God more..and I have learned the meaning of praising God in the bad times.
"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you."

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving , and into His courts with praise"..You can go in through the gate with thanksgiving, or you can stand outside of it and cry and whine and hope He hears you..God has allowed me to do things that I never dreamed I could do. I am so thankful for every opportunity He has given me to share my testimony,or play the drums... or to sing a song that is on my heart...

Psalm 30:12 – "That my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks for ever."

I have no plans for sure for Thanksgiving...all I know is that there will be
bacon...
thankin....
AND LOTS OF IT !!!!!!!

Look What He Showed Up With

2010-11-13T19:32:00.000-06:00

Not long after the funeral, Rachels older brother showed up with this tattoo

It is on his side....She is always by his side...I thought it was beautiful.
And then he showed up with this one

I let him use the ring that I always wear that Rachel had bought for me while she was on a cruise with her aunt.I couldnt believe I took it off of my finger and let him leave my house with it.He wanted the words that are on the back of her headstone to be in the hearts. He totally designed this one. I knew in my heart how much pain he was in and if doing this in somehow helps him cope with what he is feeling, then do it. I have to admit I have not always been a huge fan of tattoos, but I have seen some beautiful ones that were done in Rachels memory. I know some people can be very judgemental of young guys with their tattoos and their piercings , not even giving a thought to what they might lay in bed and think about at night,or talk to God about, or how loving and compassionate they might be. Make no mistake, I know my son can be, for lack of a better word, a turd. I know that..but what I want you to know is what he showed up with today...
Today is Kennedys birthday. Robin didn't know what to get her. She has some earrings that are a guitar pick that he gave her.They say "pick Jesus".She wears them all the time. I told him to go get her another pair in a different color. He came in with this bag.

That had this bear inside of it.

The bear had on a silver heart necklace that was for Kennedy too

On the back of the necklace it says "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
She opened the bag and looked up at me with her eyes filled with tears. Her brother was standing with his back to her, overflowing with emotions too. She went up behind him and grabbed him and hugged him and they just stood holding each other . Both knowing what each other was thinking and feeling without having to say a word.She knew why a heart shaped necklace....He knows all to well the brokenness and the love for her sister she carries in her heart..As a Mom ,to be able to witness such a poignant moment between your children..I was frozen by its beauty.. they stood locked in their hug for a very long time with no words being said..none were needed. I saw so deeply into my sons heart today..what a gift..passed the ink...passed the gauges...passed the ripped jeans... I hope when you see him..or anyone else ... you try to do the same.